Ep. 133: Halloween IV
Trixie: Halloween, this is our fifth Halloween episode?
Katya: Incredible.
Trixie: Fourth?
Katya: Jangalikayamane samsara halahala mohashantyai abahu purushakaram shankhacakrsi dharinam... Sirasam.
Trixie: Hail Mary mother of God, blessed art thou amongst..., blessed art the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Katya: Santa Maria,
Trixie: That’s all he did.
Katya: Madre de..., ruega por no– there you go.
Trixie: Are they too big?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: [bangs her breasts like drums]
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: [bangs her breasts] Day-o! Day-o! [continues banging her breasts]
Katya: Daylight comes and we w-
Trixie: They remind me of my years when I was in Stomp. Do you remember when I was in Stomp?
Katya: I do.
Trixie: [walks behind the chair and bangs her breasts against the chair as the camera zooms in]
Katya: [laughs] What is happening?
Trixie: [walking back to her seat] They’re called boobs, Ed.
Katya: [laughs] They’re called boobs, Ed.
Trixie: You know drag queens are just like everyone else, we put our boobs on one at a time.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Hi I'm Judy Grier in Halloween, Michael Myers- I gotta do it again, I gotta do it again, I gotta do it again. Hi I'm Judy Grier in Halloween, Trixie Mattel.
Katya: And I am impervious to all sickness as I am bathed in his blood, Katya.
Trixie: And welcome to...
Both: UNHhhh.
Trixie: *southern accent* The show where we talk about anything we want.
Katya: *southern accent* Cause it’s our show.
Trixie: *southern accent* And not yours.
Katya: *southern accent* You f***ing woodchip sucking piece of s***.
Trixie: *southern accent* I’m bathed in his blood.
Katya: *southern accent* I’m bathed in his blood.
Trixie: *southern accent* I’m bathed in his blood.
Katya: *southern accent* I’m bathed in his blood.
Trixie: *southern accent* I’m bathed in his blood.
Katya: *southern accent* Bathed in his blood.
[INTRO]
Trixie: Okay, Halloween.
Katya: Yes.
Trixie: Fashion, modeling, spooky, drama, costume, theater.
Katya: *southern accent* Bathed in his blood.
Trixie: People, people ar-
Katya: *southern accent* Bathed in his blood.
Trixie: Let me tell you about, let me tell you about religious people. They believe an old wizard in the sky is watching them and giving them demerits for being nice to people or not nice.
Katya: And they believe that that wizard’s son is providing his real blood so that they can bathe in it.
Trixie: Halloween, honestly nothing’s scarier...
Both: Than religion.
Katya: Nothing.
Trixie: So, this is probably the scariest thing you pulled out
Katya: This is the scariest, this is. You talk about red scare. This is the scariest thing. You see me coming, you better clutch your pearls cause I’m taking it all away.
Trixie: Girl, scientology. Don’t get me started.
Katya: Oh my God.
Trixie: Oh I’m dressed as a scientologist, that’s my costume.
Katya: [laughing] Is that you? Yeah.
Trixie: *in a weird voice* Hey, we’re gonna read your meter.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: This is how they get people to join.
Katya: Yeah, jugs.
Trixie: They have somebody, hot chicks, hot chick with big jugs.
Katya: They do!
Trixie: You can catch me at Hollywood Boulevard, everybody’s in a white oxford shirt come outside going like this. [walking] Unhhhh… And they all come just right up. It’s crazy. We gotta get one of those e-
Katya: E-meters?
Trixie: E-meters on Amazon, me and you.
Katya: I’d pass that test.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: What’s it, what’s it, what’s it measure? What does it measure?
Trixie: Gayness.
Both: [laugh]
Trixie: Wait, let me say this. You look like a ketchup bottle.
Both: [laugh]
Katya: [edit of katya upside down squirting ketchup from her head on a sausage] Squirt-squirt, bitch.
Trixie: Trick or treat! I’m a tabasco sauce.
Katya: That would be more helpful than religion.
Trixie: Did you miss trick or treating? Did you like trick or treating when you were a kid?
Katya: I loved it.
Trixie: You did!
Katya: I loved it,
Trixie: I loved it too! I don’t know about you but they would have trick or treating be like from 3.30 to 6 cause they don’t want kids out at night.
Katya: They don’t want kids out at night, but then I learned that they would, uh, if it was on a Thursday, they would just wait until Friday.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: I say no, that’s November 1st.
Trixie: That’s not. Thank you!
Katya: That’s not-
Trixie: I don’t wanna. November 1st, I don’t wanna see a pumpkin, I don’t wanna see a horror movie.
Both: It’s over
Trixie: It’s Christmas.
Katya: It’s wrapped.
Trixie: It’s Christmas.
Katya: [bops her head then her hat slips and covers her face]
Trixie: [laughs] It’s a reverse reveal, it’s a cover up.
Katya: [laughs] It’s a conceal! It’s a conceal.
Katya: What’s your favorite candy?
Trixie: From like trick or treating?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Even as a child, I was 100. Almond Joy, bitch.
Katya: That is the most undesirable piece of candy that I ever reach for.
Trixie: Really!? What do you like? Like for Halloween candy.
Katya: Snickers.
Trixie: Really?
Katya: Twix.
Trixie: Really.
Katya: Caramello.
Trixie: I don’t- Do you f*** with a candy corn?
Katya: No.
Trixie: Girl, you f*** with a candy corn?
Katya: No loose candies, no loose, no.
Trixie: Yeah, who is do- not anymore.
Katya: Not anymore
Trixie: But like when we were kids, you know, what about, what about handing out an apple? What about handing out a fresh-
Katya: I’ll take that apple and throw it right back on the person.
Trixie: Completely 100%.
Katya: I will break their front teeth with that apple. So I-
Trixie: Can I just say one more thing?
Katya: What? Please.
Trixie: About trick or treating.
Katya: Yes please please.
Trixie: I’m 31 years old, I’ve never lived anywhere where I’ve gotten to be the adult handing out the candy!
Katya: I did once and it’s magic.
Trixie: It is!
Katya: It’s magic.
[trick or treating scene]
Trixie: [knocks on door] Trick or treat!
Katya: What would you like, little girl? What kind of candy do you desire?
Trixie: Umm, can I please have umm a ring pop?
Katya: We don’t have any of those, but I’ll give you a scab filled with my blood.
Trixie: Can you put it on a ring?
Katya: Come inside. Come on in, I’ll get you, just hang out in this freezer.
Trixie: [screams]
[end scene]
Katya: I loved that.
Trixie: What did you hand out?
Katya: In my um-
Trixie: Pistols?
Katya: [laughs] Knives, scalpels, umm little ti-
Trixie: It was like a clue. A rope, a candlestick.
Katya: Umm, tape over shot glasses filled with my piss.
Both: [laugh]
Trixie: You know what I used to do? I used to make the kids come in and I would be in the kitchen. I’d have marshmallow squares and I’ll have a big knife to cut it with and I would go *creepy voice* ta tara tarararara, happy Halloween.
Katya: A big dirty hand filled with marshmallows fill-
Trixie: Would reach, yeah. Would reach through, yeah.
Trixie: Girl, f*** them kids. If I had, If it was Halloween and I had kids, I would scare them within an inch of their life every single year. They would hate Halloween.
Trixie: There is nothing better than scaring kids. [children screaming in the background]
Trixie: There is nothing better than scaring kids. [children screaming in the background]
Trixie: There is nothing better than scaring kids. [children screaming in the background]
Trixie: A kid crouching and scaring a kid? Cause you know what? They cry.
Katya: [gasp] They do.
Trixie: And it’s so funny.
Both: [laugh]
Trixie: Kids cry. Kids cry from a practical joke and you know what? They’re like, [gasp] *crying sound* uhh. Like, no, you’re not scared.
Katya: Bathed in his blood.
Trixie: They raked up on October 31st, they walked to the kitchen, it would be the most elaborate Hollywood murder of me. Dead, you’re dead on the floor.
Katya: *choking sound*
Trixie: And I would wait until the funeral on November 1st to go, “Happy Halloween!”
Katya: Gotcha!
Trixie: I would f*** those kids up every year. I hate kids and Halloween is the only time when you can really f*** them up as a prank.
Katya: Yea.
Trixie: F*** those kids.
Katya: I like to be scared.
Trixie: I like to be scared but not too scared.
Katya: Do you get scared at night?
Trixie: Oh yeah and I have the house armed so I go, “Alexa, arm ring,” and she’ll arm the house.
Katya: I get scared. The one genre of film that I do not f*** with is home invasion.
Trixie: Porn.
Katya: Home invasion.
Trixie: Oh, bitch. Y-you f*** with The Strangers?
Katya: No.
Trixie: Mama.
Katya: Home invasion. It’s too real.
Trixie: Mama. It’s very real, but look at this, look at this, think it, think of it this way. You don’t fit the profile of somebody that people would home invade because you have nothing.
Katya: Right.
Trixie: You have no cash.
Katya: No food
Both: Nothing to steal.
Trixie: What are they gonna do? Steal one of your piss jars?
Katya: Over my dead body with all my knives.
Trixie: They walk in and you have nothing but knives. I’ve been waiting for this moment.
Katya: [laughs] Yeah. I’m peeing.
Trixie: Let me call your dad and be like, “All that karate finally paid off, I just whooped their asses”
Katya: Yeah, that grizzle tweaker just got-
Both: [laugh]
Trixie: Okay, there was a girl. She ran a fitness Instagram account and a lifestyle Instagram account and she had just started getting into that micro-influencer level where she was starting to get ad placements for corporations. And then, her account got hacked. And she lost all her followers.
Katya: [gasp]
Trixie: *in a spooky voice* And she had to work at the DSW on Sunset.
Katya: “in a spooky voice* And she got a hook for an arm and pepperoni pizza for a face.
Trixie: [laughs] Well she had that the whole time. That’s how she got famous.
Katya: That was her claim to fame.
Trixie: She was on Ellen. She had a hook hand and they gave her a Macbook.
Trixie: I don’t like Halloween because of scary, because I’m not really scared of anything.
Katya: Not scared. Talk about it.
Trixie: I mean like, movies don’t scare me.
Katya: No, what scares you?
Trixie: Truly? Truly. Failure.
Katya: *demonic voice* Yes.
Trixie: What scares you?
Katya: Pain
Trixie: Pain?
Katya: Pain.
Trixie: In what way?
Katya: I’m afraid of being tortured.
Trixie: But what’s the likelihood of that happening?
Katya: Oh no no no, not, very unlikely.
Trixie: But how can you be so scared of something that’s not gonna happen? There’s no way.
Katya: Well I’m not. But I mean-
Trixie: I guess in that sense, why would I fear failure because...
Katya: If I’m watching a horror movie- [laugh]
Trixie: it’s never gonna happen either.
Katya: So unlikely. Yeah I don’t like pain. It’s the physical pain. That’s scary.
Trixie: I mean, that could happen.
Katya: Yeah, like 127 Hours.
Trixie: With the arm in the rock?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Yeah, he cut that arm off
Katya: That’s rotten
Trixie: He cut that arm right off. I would panic. If I was in that movie, it would be 4 Hours.
Katya: I would give up. Two hours I’ll be like, take me-
Trixie: Like, she wasn’t even that stuck and she took her arm off.
Katya: I know [wheeze].
Trixie: She panicked and just cut her arm. She was at a 7-Eleven, she could have just called out for help.
Katya: She stubbed her toe, lost her shoe, so she had to take off the arm. [wheezing]
Trixie: She locked herself in the bathroom for like 10 minutes, it wasn’t even a door-locked stall.
Katya: [laughs] She couldn’t find her phone so she cut- [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs] Ha ha, yass!
Trixie: If it was a horror movie, when are you dying?
Katya: I’m, I’m the, I’m the killer.
Trixie: Yeah, I’m first, I like to be first.
Katya: Yeah, bimbo, bimbo, sexy bimbo.
Trixie: Yeah I want it to be a long corridor in the dark and I’m like outside smoking. My character smokes. And I’m like, “Ugh, alright but make it quick and it’s 50 bucks if you wanna c** to me.” You know what I mean?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: And then he gets closer and it’s a murderer, but like, up until the last second I think it’s a John and I’m like, “You want-” you know.
Katya: Yeah. I’m here for babysitter horror.
Trixie: I love the call from Scream, Drew Barrymore, beginning of Scream.
Katya: Great, so good.
Trixie: *killer voice* What’s your name?
Katya: *killer voice* Melanie.
Trixie: No, you’re supposed to say, “Why do you wanna know?”
Katya: [laughs] Oh, I’m her?
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Okay.
Trixie: *killer voice* What’s your name- *normal voice* Just two killers talking and nobody, there’s no victim, it’s just like, *killer voice 1* you wanna die? *killer voice 2* Do you wanna die? *killer voice 1* No, you, I ask you first. *killer voice 3* I wanna do it.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Okay.
Katya: Okay.
Trixie: *killer voice* What’s your name?
Katya: Why do you wanna know?
Trixie: *killer voice* Cause I wanna know who I’m looking at.
Katya: [pulls her braids out] Aaaaa! [pulls her braids across her neck] Aaaaa!
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Aaaaa. [gestures a cross with her hands] *southern accent* I’m bathed in his blood.
Trixie: Bathed in his blood. [laughs]
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: *killer voice* I’m gonna kill you. *southern accent* Nope, bathed in his blood, bye.
Katya: *southern accent* Sorry, bathed in his blood. [laughs] Too late.
Trixie: It would be a very short movie if it was scream for Jesus.
Katya: Mama, yeah.
[Outro]
[WOWhelpme Intro]
Katya: In Nomine Patris, et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, questions!
Trixie: And now it’s time to answer some questions.
Todwolf Malachi: How can I overcome the fear of being more erotically adventurous with my husband? #WOWhelpme
Trixie: Sounds like they’re maybe afraid to propose more exciting things.
Katya: YOLO, YOLO.
Trixie: I think the person has a fear of beneciating it.
Katya: Sounds like there’s a, there’s a, there’s a root, there’s a shame about sex behind the fear.
Trixie: Yeah. Don’t you think, for sex most problems are solved by talking about it?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: “Why is your sex life so good? Cause we never say what we want.” That’s not a thing.
Katya: Right, yeah.
Trixie: Also wait until you’re both in a horny mood because people will go along with anything if they’re already horny.
Katya: Totally!
Trixie: Wait until you’re in a horny mood and then be like, “You know I have a dog mask I like you to wear.”
Katya: Yeah, let me hit you with my car. [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Get in the driveway.
Trixie: Well you need to have a car. That’s how they get you.
Katya: Get in the way.
Trixie: And our sponsor today is CarMax.
Katya: The Michelin Man. [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Hey, put on those cute shorts and get in the driveway, I’m gonna hit you with my car.
Trixie: [laughs] And like, meet each other halfway. Alright, if you wanna get into puppy play, I gotta start bleeding you. You know like, we gotta meet each other halfway.
Katya: [wheeze]
Katya: We surely do hope that helped, tweet @WorldOfWonder with the #WOWhelpme
Both: [laughs]
Katya: Happy Halloween!
Trixie: Happy Halloween! You don’t have to go, you don’t have to be able to go to bars for Halloween. You can dress up in your house.
Katya: Yeah. Just bathe, just bathe in your own blood at home.
[Outro]
Trixie: Why d- Can I ask you a question?
Katya: Sure
Trixie: Why do you think gay people- Pete, do you like horror?
Pete: Not really
Trixie: Okay, besides Pete, why do gay people like horror so much? They do.
Katya: No they don’t
Trixie: I think they do!
Katya: They don’t.
Trixie: Roll the tapes, I think-
Katya: They don’t. They don’t.
Trixie: Yes, they do!
Katya: No, they don’t. It’s your word against mine, we’re both gay. We’re locked. It’s a...
Trixie: It’s a stalemate.
Katya: It’s a stalemate. But here’s the thing, I’m bathed in his blood so I have the advantage.
Transcribed by: Rèkagotik