Ep. 123: Books
Katya: What’s the matter, Pete? Too beautiful to be pictured on camera again?
Trixie: Est-ce que tu en le livre?
Katya: Absolument
Trixie: You know I didn’t take technical theater and now I wish I did. God, I’m beautiful. I - just -
Katya: Can you handle?
Trixie: Who - look at - get away from you. Would you get the c-section?
Katya: I would get the um, the abortion.
Trixie: This is the night they call it bella more. Is it bella noche?
Katya: Oh sole mio, oh sala mia
Pete: You two are six feet apart, but then in post we’ll still put you together.
Katya: Okay.
Pete: So it looks like - alright, you ready?
Katya: [spits gum]
Pete: Great.
Trixie: Hi I’m six feet away from everyone and feeling thinner than ever. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I’m a lazy, good for nothin low life skyvin drunk. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
Katya: No
Trixie: Ooh that feels good to say!
Katya: It does [maniacal laughter]
[INTRO]
Trixie: Honestly I have to say, I like making this program but filming from home, it was -
Katya: It was a rotted fucking experience.
Trixie: Filming from home is jerking off, but this is sex.
Katya: Filming at home is like jerking off without a condom and you can’t come
Trixie: You don’t jerk off with a condom
Katya: I know. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?
Trixie: You don’t jerk off with a condom. You ever jerk off with a condom on?
Katya: Yes I have.
Trixie: [laughs] I think I was a child - I was ch- well I wasn’t with child. Well I was with child because I was a child and I was with myself. But I - I think I like, when I first got a condom when I was like a teenager I like, jerked off with a condom on.
Katya: Yeah I wanna try it out.
Trixie: This is sexy
Katya: Yeah wanna try it out.
Trixie: This is stuipd.
Katya: I was also very interested to see what the um, what the yield would be, uh quantity-wise, of my seminal fluid.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Um. So close, yet so far away.
Trixie: It’s actually fine.
Katya: It’s totally fine. I can feel your energy, you can smell my um, fragrance. Fragrance.
Trixie: Fragrance.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Yeah. And you look prettier from farther away. To me. Sometimes we are sitting here and we’re on like, hour 6 -
Katya: It’s a little - the truth is a little -
Trixie: And I am looking into your pores. They say the truth will set you free, these are straight people saying this.
Katya: Yeah. And the truth will also set you uh, set you back a few years.
Both: Oh my God!
Trixie: [laughs] you can’t -
Katya: So what’s your favorite - let me just ask you this - lemme just ask you this - what is your favorite room in the whole school - the whole school setup. What’s your favorite room?
Trixie: The library.
Katya: Absolutely it is. Cause you know why?
Trixie: Cause libraries what? Are for shade and reading mama.
Katya: Books. I’m a - a lover of books. I love books.
Trixie: They’re the eyes to the window of the soul.
Katya: Yes. I’ve um, I’ve - I’ve read many uh, erotic books. Basically. But I brought um, books to drag race. I brought this wonderful um -
[flashback to previous episode]
Katya: I brought uh, dirty books
Trixie: So did I.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I brought this book called uh, Good Head Uncle. Absolutely read it.
Katya: I brought an incest themed one too.
[end of flashback]
Katya: - baseball themed one.
Trixie: I gotta show you this dick pic.
Katya: Baseball themed.
Pete: Oh my.
Trixie: Doesn’t it look like it got hurt or something? Like, boxy.
Katya: It’s flat.
Pete: Oh wow.
Trixie: Is it made from legos?
Katya: It’s flat.
Pete: Wow.
Trixie: It looks like a stingray.
Katya: Yeah. It does. It looks like -
Pete: I need to see the other angle.
Katya: I know maybe the side?
Trixie: What if you turn it and this way it’s like, pencil thin?
Pete: [laughs]
Trixie: Like, completely flat?
Katya: Because God blessed me with a - uh, above average, not huge, but above average size penis that I’m very very happy with, never had any complaints, I look down and I say hello. And um, but I - my heart and soul goes out to men with the micropenis.
Trixie: Also some people like little dicks. They’re out there.
Katya: Little button.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah.
Trixie: They’re out there.
Katya: I - I told you about that time I - I got a ride home from a man with a micro?
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: And I jerked him off and it didn’t even fit into the fist. And he looked at me like this [stares intently] like he wanted me to make fun of it. And I will not do that because I’m polite.
Trixie: We recently just put out a book!
Katya: I - you know, you are absolutely right. We sure did.
Both: [laughs]
Katya: A book is a labor of love. I - I know you’re all out there with your phones, thinking - buh buh buh duh duh - I could write a book. No you can’t.
Trixie: No. If you’re interested in reading, which let’s be honest we could all stand to read a little more.
Katya: Listen. I couldn’t tell ya how many times I’ve gone to the local bookshop or down to the public library and picked up a book and brought it home and was just so disappointed that I started to cry. Other times I become so enraged at the subpar content that I just shove it in the toilet, take a big dump on it, and then -
Trixie: Or I love the book, it has a huge impact on my childhood, and later in life I find out that the author is mildly transphobic.
Katya: That as well.
Trixie: There’s a lot of journeys to be -
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: And we’re - we’re very proud of this book that we wrote. And this is a guide to modern womanhood but you don’t have to be modern or a woman to get something out of it. But the photos - look at us.
Katya: Look at - ok. I just want you to -
Trixie: Let me get in here.
Katya: Look at all the -
Trixie: I don’t trust Ron to punch in. Look at that! Get into it. Look at that experience. Gorgeous. I’m gonna be honest - I’ve gotten several book offers before this book.
Katya: Me too.
Trixie: And this was the first time I’ve felt like -
Katya: Yeah. We can do this.
Trixie: I want to do this. We got a really great offer from this uh - from um, our book agent.
Katya: Yeah. Tom Flannery, what a guy.
Trixie: Tom helped us sell the idea of the book, which was basically like, we wanna create a cross between like, a home economics textbook and like, a, like a - like a teen girls’ guide to navigating a world that really doesn’t make sense. There’s stuff in here about breakups, um, interior design. This is really for anybody. Oh my God this picture of you is disgusting.
Katya: Drinking, drugs, homelessness. There’s a lot we touch on.
Trixie: There’s even entire chapters that are just basically verbatim conversations with us on topics. Before you guys think we’re fancy in any way, we shot 90% of these pictures in my living room.
Katya: Yeah, or in a - or by a dumpster.
Trixie: Literally.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: “I’m a little embarrassed to admit that personal hygiene has always been an area of struggle in my life.” Guess whose chapter this is.
Katya: [creepy laughter]
Trixie: “Just recently, for example, I went three days without showering due to sheer laziness and a brief but troubling fear of hard water.”
Katya: It’s true. That’s true.
Trixie: We’re gonna be authors. Well we are authors.
Katya: We are authors.
Trixie: Isn’t that a gag?
Katya: We’re in the Library of Congress!
Trixie: This is going to be a really great thing - it’s gonna be so fun to use Bianca’s book as a paperweight for this.
Katya: Oh yeah. We can say without any hesitation, unequivocally, unambiguously, this book is better than Bianca’s. This is like - it’s not Moby Dick, it’s not like War and Peace, and it’s two people -
Trixie: It’s the Old Man and the Sea.
Katya: But still - it was so hard to do.
Trixie: It was really fun to do though and honestly certain chapters, I mean like a lot of this is personal, like the chapter on breakups where I’m like, I then spent a summer writing handwritten letters for three months to the person who asked me not to talk to them. I’m like -
Katya: She’s a psycho, baby. Psycho. Yeah. Psychotic behavior.
Trixie: Psychot- or like your, some of the - the hookup stories from you.
Katya: Yeah. Well.
Trixie: You don’t regret any of that.
Katya: I don’t regret any of it. But um, for me as a reader, you have to grab my balls and stick three fingers up my ass in terms of like, catching my interest within… 20 seconds.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: If it’s not it’s - book is in the trash. Burnt.
Trixie: Also these pictures. I’m sorry -
Katya: They’re fantastic.
Trixie: We took most of these when I was 29, I’m 30. We took these at 30. When I’m 40 I’m gonna be happy these pictures fuckin exist. Girl! Pete, get the zoom.
Katya: Not without my daughter.
Trixie: I think the truth of the book is here, which is - “In this book two of America’s most beloved model-actresses will guide you through every pivot point of female development. Everything you’ve done we’ve done it well - and done it with fuller lashes.”
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: “We have inhabited every reach of your failures, and done it with puke on our uncomfortable shoes.”
Katya: We’ve given birth. We’ve put - we’ve put dogs down. We’ve had divorces, we’ve remarried. We um - had polycystic ovarian syndrome. Listen. We know the tea.
Trixie: 26 US dollars, 35 if you're in Canada. I said I just hope you guys really like it because we’re proud of it. You can buy it, listen to it, get the digital copy. This would also be a really good gift for someone in your life -
Katya: An incredible gift.
Trixie: It’s UNHhhh - a lot of people tell me like, UNHhhh is me and my friend’s thing. We watch it together with like, “I’m the Trixie you’re the Katya” which whatever, but -
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Um, this would be a good gift.
Katya: Look at the shape. Look at the size. You can have a nice little bento box meal right off of it. You can use it as a um -
Trixie: Finishing school. [puts book on head and wanders around]
Katya: Yep. Absolutely. You can do little - watch this. [tosses book back and forth between hands] This is a fun game.
Trixie: I mean, I’ve read a lot of books but I’m gonna be honest, I never dreamed of making a book.
Katya: Oh I -
Trixie: That was not like, up there for me.
Katya: I have my whole life.
Trixie: Really?
Katya: Yes. My whole life
Trixie: I feel so lucky to do it, only because I know so many people like, it’s their milestone.
Katya: And you know what the thing - it’s like, film as well - there are so many just shit turdy garbage pieces of crap books that are - just go straight to the bargain bin. And this is one of them. No.
Trixie: Yeah. [bird laugh]
Katya: Now for all you illiterates out there we will stop talking about books, don’t worry. We are here to answer your questions.
Trixie: I would love to answer a user question.
Katya: I love answering questions.
Trixie: These were submitted on Twitter @WorldOfWonder using the hashtag #WOWHelpMe
Question: Hi um uh, this question is directed more so at Katya. How do I get my cat to stop pissing on my carpet? #WOWHelpMe
Katya: Put it outside. Throw it away. Um, uh, well - first of all does it have a litter box?
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Put a carpet in the litter box.
Trixie: Nice solution. Also fuck cats dude.
Katya: Also give it away.
Trixie: Yes, Like, you -
Katya: Find a loving home.
Trixie: And then burn it down
Katya: Find an abandoned warehouse and just give it like, eight 10-pound bags of Purina whatever the fuck they eat and um, girl move on. Be a better you.
Trixie: That’s the hard thing with cats is they don’t care.
Katya: Who the fuck gives a shit about cats, mama.
Trixie: They hate you. They don't care what they did.
Katya: You know what, dogs are like lovely little babies. Cats are um, they are uh, mysterious roommates.
Trixie: Like a - like a great grandma who won’t die that you have to take care of.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Like - oh my God did I ever tell you that my mom works in um, you know, healthcare for older people. And there’s this one lady when my mom comes in to help her like change her - change her you know um, I don’t know what the medical term is for - I don’t want to say diaper.
Katya: Catheter?
Trixie: Yeah all that. The woman goes “well look who’s back you fucker -” and shit like that. Like -
Katya: My nana, once her brain started to go to mushy bananas, she spun this yarn about how she got fisted in the basement of a church.
Question: Trixie - how do you do that one leg squat drop thingy when you lipsync? I’ve danced for 13 years and I still can’t figure out how you don’t fall over every time. #WOWHelpMe
Trixie: Oh, listen. First of all don’t take lipsyncing cues from me.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You’ll notice on All Stars 5 I was not invited to be a lipsync assassin. Because if left in the room with another person and only the skill of dance to take them out, I would leave dead. But what - but what you’re referring to is I think this thing I did on All Stars that was like - it was like [does the move] like I kinda bend one and kick one out. So it’s a little like [kicks legs around] this. I don’t know. I don't - listen, I don’t lipsync anymore and it’s improved everyone’s lives.
Katya: There you go.
Trixie: Let me tell you this. If I could death drop, cartwheel, all that - I’d never stop. I’d be annoying. Like we get it, we get it, you can death drop. I would just - pew, pew pew. But unfortunately God doesn’t give with both hands and I got this tight cunt.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: You better use that.
Katya: Uuugh. So if you have a question tweet @WorldOfWonder using the hashtag #WOWHelpMe. [fans crotch] She was the one who um, uh apropos of absolutely nothing while I was cleaning her wood stove, introduced me to the benefits of intercrural sex. Just in case I wasn’t feeling, ya know, feeling um - uh, ready for -
Trixie: What’s intercrural?
Katya: Let me tell ya. Uh, between the thighs.
Trixie: Just put it in your ass.
Katya: Well, I mean what if you got shit up there, honey?
Trixie: If I got shit in my ass, I got shit on my legs.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Where do you think it’s goin? You want the fresh stuff or the two-day dried shit? Unhhhh! [laughs] There is a chapter on hygiene in case you’re wondering.
Transcribed by: C.J.