Ep. 122: Movies
Trixie: Tight, ugh.
Pete: Have you ever been to an adult theater?
Katya: Oh, no.
Trixie: Oh sure.
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Yes.
Katya: Oh my God.
Trixie: It’s - you know, I’m not the rube you once imagined me to be. I’m 30 now, and I was - well, this is when I was like 21. It was like 30 seats in a little movie theater and people jerking off. And there was like, maybe 3 dads in there jerking off.
Katya: And they’re jerking each other off?
Trixie: They’re kinda like waiting for someone to sit next to them and like, touchy touchy.
Katya: That’s too stressful.
Trixie: Cause when you turn the corner, you come around the corner of the movie theater, and then you’re holding your popcorn and you’re looking for your seat, and you're just like -
Katya: Yeah. That’s weird. Hello
Trixie: I think you’re - I think you’re in my seat.
Katya: Oh my God I’m Blair St.Clair’s mom.
Trixie: [laughs]
Trixie: Hi I’m the spooky optometrist, Lens Witchcrafters. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I’m Blair St.Clair’s mother, Claire St.Clair. Katya. It’s so true though, look at the - look at the look. It’s her.
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
Katya: That’s right. But guess what - you got a burning question? We have a wonderful answer.
Trixie: And we’re gonna answer it later so stick around.
[INTRO]
Trixie: Well you know what a great way to, uh escape reality is?
Katya: What?
Trixie: Goin’ to the movies!
Katya: Movies! The magic of cinema!
Trixie: And you can listen to us because we are SAG members.
Katya: Girl, I got the screeners in the mail!
Trixie: But if I watch Joker am I gonna turn straight?
Katya: Uh, I watched it and I just - no. It’s - ugh.
Trixie: I think like, neckbeards from Reddit are like - they wanna make Joaquin president now.
Katya: Well, think about it - an old, uh, like - saggy, pallid, sad man putting on like, hunching in front of a mirror and putting on makeup.
Trixie: Well. Now I'm sold.
Katya: Yeah. It’s like, oh -
Trixie: It’s like how Stephen King’s IT was supposed to be a horror. I’m like - the guy wears big shoes and makeup and hates kids? He’s a hero.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I know a lot of people like that.
Katya: Oh God.
Trixie: Listen - what movies do you - um, what’s your most memorable movie seeing experiences?
Katya: I - ok, well. I saw Wayne’s World in the theater seven times.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Seven times. And the last time I went by myself and I sat on the floor. And I knew that was it. I was like ok. I’m done.
Trixie: When I was five I think - five or six - I saw Jurassic Park in the movie theater.
Katya: Mmmmmm
Trixie: The year was 1995 I believe. And I will say as a young child that was a little too scary for me at the time.
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Big screen dinosaurs. The part where the - I will never forget the part where the dinosaur looks in the window - the eyeball.
Katya: Ohhh yeah.
Trixie: He’s about to eat kids. I’m a kid.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I was just like, this is a lot.
Katya: But it’s such a testament to the magic of Hollywood.
Trixie: RuPaul says Hollywood’s not a place, it’s an idea.
Katya: I love going to the movies, and I love going alone. Is your brain getting too big for your body?
Trixie: No I’m just thinking.
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: But like, if we’re gonna be famous YouTubers, we can’t have a good video without the thumbnail being like -
Both: [poses dramatically]
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I need you to be crying.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: And me like this
Katya: Yeah
Katya: Goin to the movies.
Trixie: Do you think it’s the mark of a psychopath to go to the movie by yourself?
Katya: Absolutely not.
Trixie: Ok
Katya: Absolutely not. I - I got over that um, a long long time ago because I like to go see weird, uh, French films that none of my friends would go see.
Trixie: Sure.
Katya: During the day - I love a morning movie.
Trixie: I’ve never been to a morning movie but I love a matinee. You wanna - you wanna go see a movie in silence? You want an audience that is gonna barely laugh when it’s funny -
Katya: I don’t want people to laugh. I mean, you can have a good time, but I don’t want that. You know what I mean? Like -
Trixie: Oh, I also don’t go for clapping when it’s over.
Katya: Why do people clap in a movie theater?! They’re not here. They’re not here. It’s so weird. Only in LA. You’re thinking again.
Trixie: Childhood me when my family would go to the movies - which, you know, not often, maybe twice a year to see like, Harry Potter or something, right. Um - we would go and my family would - the winter coats, the snacks in the coat.
Katya: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Smuggling.
Trixie: My mom would push it too far.
Katya: Oh really? She’d bring a hair dryer in.
Trixie: Put this 8-pack of hot dogs in your bag. She’d be like -
Katya: Grilling in the front row.
Trixie: Yeah. And put this pack of 8 buns in your purse. I’m like, I don’t have a purse, she’s like - you're carrying mine. Like - by the way, turn gay, because -
Katya: It’s just a cooler. Just a cooler that’s like -
Trixie: She’d also make me cross dress, but that wasn’t part of it. Why the wig?
Katya: To hide all the -
Trixie: Yeah. Why the gauchos? I had gauchos on - I had gauchos on, when I pulled up my leg, Slim Jims. Just Slim Jims. I said - what do you want? I got a Nerds rope.
Katya: [laughs] Yeah. Oh my God.
Trixie: What theater do you like in LA?
Katya: Well, uh, I go to the one by my house. It’s like a small AMC. It’s nice.
Trixie: That’s your living room. Well, I wrote AMC on the wall.
Katya: yeah [laughs] shhhhh
Trixie: And we only show the few DVDs I have.
Katya: I just wanna -
Trixie: So I have Bowfinger, uh Mystery Men, and -
Katya: Sliding Doors, and that’s it. But the real show starts before the movie when I make the announcement. I always wear a different towel and I - I’m sure to enunciate and say my words so the audience knows exactly what’s going on. In my house. Thank you all for coming to the living room cinema showcase feature film Sliding Doors starring Gwyneth Piltrow, a bony white woman who discovers that when it comes to doors, it’s not simply a push or pull situation. Enjoy.
Trixie: In LA I like to go to the ArcLight because it’s kinda more like the serious movie people, and I need serious adults to shut up during the movie.
Katya: Yeah. We don’t do talking. But we - we also don’t do shushing.
Trixie: Have you witnessed a shushing?
Katya: I have witnessed a shushing, yeah.
Trixie: I have. I have never been more like yes queen to the shusher.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: And it’s always kids. Young people.
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Talking. Yes! It’s not old people being like ‘did you see that Irene? He was dead the whole time’ Well, maybe it is old people though.
Katya: Cause I’ve never been to - I haven’t been to a movie that a kid’s been at, cause I generally don’t - I don’t like those.
Trixie: Oh. Well when I saw Spy Kids 7 -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I don’t know. Uh, but a lot of horror movies have kids in them. Teenagers.
Katya: Yeah that’s true. I like to see horror movies at home where they can genuinely like, bone-chill me to death.
Trixie: Sure. You’ll even add extra theater to it. You’ll do that Halloween cobweb.
Katya: Oh yeah. I’ll tape a knife to the ceiling.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: It’s gonna fall at any - I dunno when. You know what I mean? Like loose tape. Loose tape. Scotch. Scotch. Scotch. You know it - you get it. She’s on the level.
Trixie: You know what, mawma
Katya: Mawma - [both mumble] that was pageant talk for I understand your lifestyle.
Trixie: [laughs] I like to get, uh - well, I’m pretty easy. Diet coke and a trough of popcorn.
Katya: Ok
Trixie: With butter. They’re like, real butter or fake? I’m like - both.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I wanna - I wanna - I want to put my hand on the popcorn and have it wet stick to my hand.
Katya: [laughs] I - I mean -
Trixie: I love popcorn. I love it. I - ugh. I just love it.
Katya: [laughs] I don’t like people coming during the movie. No interruptions
Trixie: Sure
Katya: No interruptions. Like, when the movie starts I will never leave the room. Ever.
Trixie: Have you ever walked out?
Katya: Yes.
Trixie: What’d you walk out of?
Katya: Twice. Ok, Hanging Up with Diane Keaton, Meg Ryan, and somebody else. But we were skipping -
Trixie: That seems like your movie though.
Katya: I know! We were skipping school and we saw that stinker, and we were like this sucks. We just left and smoked cigarettes.
Trixie: I skipped school once. And it was with some older cool kids and we went to see [pauses and chuckles]
Katya: Oh God. Toy Story?
Trixie: We went to see Under the Tuscan Sun.
Katya: With fucking Diane Lane? Were you 70? Are you 70? Do you - do you love turquoise jewelry? What is wrong with you?
Trixie: [laughs] and I had the nerve to make fun of Ron for liking the Green Mile.
Katya: Under the Tuscan Sun.
Trixie: We went to see Under the Tuscan Sun and that movie is crazy. There’s a part where her laundry machine gets hit by lightning.
Katya: Well.
Trixie: That movie is crazy. We were 16 being like, what?
Katya: The fuck?
Trixie: What movie is this? I think we just wanted to go to the movies and that was what was available.
Katya: Damn.
Katya: Going to the movies - I don’t know if that’s a great first date.
Trixie: Who goes on a first date to a movie?
Katya: I don’t know, I feel like people do. What are you gonna do, sit in the -
Trixie: I was 18, right - my first apartment and this guy wanted to come over and do stuff, right. Do stuff. He came over and I was like, ya know what let’s just watch a movie at home. Which I didn’t know at the time was divisive, right. It means sex.
Katya: Sex. Like, only sex.
Trixie: I was too young to know. Yeah. He comes over, he rents a documentary about John Wayne Gacy. And that’s what we’re watching.
Katya: So definitely sex.
Trixie: It is not sexy. And he eventually - we’re watching the movie and he goes ‘it’s really hot in here’ and he takes his shirt off and I was just like -
Katya: Oh my God. [laughs] wouldn’t it be great though if -
Trixie: It was weird cause I was already in a clown wig, so I was like - did you see this coming?
Katya: Oh. Handjob in the theater?
Trixie: Ok. Never done it, but I know someone who has.
Katya: Ok.
Trixie: And this someone went on a date with a guy, it was like a hookup thing and the guy was like ‘well I’m really into public stuff’ cause gay people are rotted, right.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Straight people are like ‘what?’ Gay people, unless it’s like - they’re getting publicly samurai sword up their ass, they’re not interested
Katya: In front of their parents
Trixie: In front of their parents, they’re not interested. So they go to the movie theater, they sit down and the guy said he just wanted like a handjob at the movie theater. This motherfucker pulls his pants down to the ankle, sits down naked in the seat with the boner.
Katya: I love that. I love that.
Trixie: That is the equivalent of the kids who use the urinal and pull their pants down to their ankles.
Katya: I love that too. Oh my god, it’s just like - ya know, this is my world you’re just living in it.
Trixie: Have you ever seen a movie you’re in at the movie theater?
Katya: Yes.
Trixie: What was it?
Katya: That Bianca mess.
Trixie: When I did the festival circuit for Moving Parts, some of the festivals - they play the movies in real, functioning movie theaters. So it was like, Star Wars return of the - your mom, or whatever. And then, um, and then one of the theaters was Moving Parts. And I saw people lined up with popcorn.
Katya: So crazy.
Trixie: And it was so - to see the movie playing and smell popcorn, it was like - whoa this is real.
Katya: That is so weird.
Trixie: That was the only time it felt real - when I could smell popcorn.
Katya: Guess who I saw at the movies the other day?
Trixie: Who?
Katya: Keanu Reeves.
Trixie: Gag!
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Was he seeing his own movie? I wish he was.
Katya: I think he was seeing the Matrix, which is weird cause it wasn’t playing.
Trixie: He walked right into ArcLight and said -
Katya: Here’s a tape
Trixie: How many popcorns do I gotta buy
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Now it’s time to answer some questions
Katya: You know what I love about questions? The answers that they get.
Question: How do you deal with idiots on a daily basis? #WOWHelpMe
Trixie: Well. I’ve invited them to write me letters, so. Well it depends on your environment. Like, when I worked in retail - guess what, it is your job to deal with the idiots.
Katya: Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. I mean, there’s - well, there’s certain types of idiots. If it’s mean spirited, that can become very, um, oppressive over time. What would you rather have to deal with - just pungent, like, unbelievable stupidity or biting, short rudeness?
Trixie: That.
Katya: The latter?
Trixie: Yeah. The mean stuff. That’s at least a better story
Katya: You can get over it quick
Trixie: Yeah yeah yeah. Like, you know - like, I’ll just take my candle and leave.
Katya: Right right right
Trixie: I love when someone threatens - you’ll never get my business again.
Katya: WE DON’T WANT IT!
Trixie: Bye! I would have paid money to have you never come back.
Katya: Yeah. So strange.
Trixie: I think in general um, I think a part of growing up is you just sort of like, you're never gonna escape the idiots.
Katya: No.
Trixie: And you’ll also sometimes be the idiot.
Katya: That’s - that’s, yeah. That’s awful.
Trixie: Try to be sympathetic. Everyone thinks they’re right. Everyone’s the protagonist in their own story,
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: That person thought you were an idiot, probably. And you wrote in to this, so you probably are. This person was like, what an idiot. You know what, I’m gonna consult drag queens from the internet.
Katya: [laughs] yeah. Am I bad? Well, we hope that helps.
Trixie: And if you need help, you can use the hashtag #WOWHelpMe @worldofwonder on Twitter. Also - I’ve had moments in my life where I stepped back and go, wow. Help me.
Katya: Yeah. But there’s nobody to tweet at.
Trixie: But there’s nobody to tweet at! Just been tweeting into a void. I bet you if you go back a few years ago, the first person to use WOWHelpMe was -
Katya: Sandra Bullock.
Trixie: Yeah. For sure. Sandy B. And celebs - get the A-list celebs. I wanna know what uh, you know, Scott Evans has - can’t decide between jungle juice or pimple popper -
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Wait what’s the other kind?
Katya: What the fuck? Jungle juice or pimple popper?
Trixie: Yeah the different poppers?
Katya: Rush.
Trixie: Oh that. [laughs]
Katya: Rush. Pimple popper.
Trixie: I’m trying to help him. Scott Evans -
Katya: Yeah. And we wanna see if Kaley Cuoco, uh, just did the down payment on that barn she’s been lookin at.
Trixie: Wow help me.
Trixie: Transition from wet to dry - that’s the story of my skin entering my 30s, ok?
Katya: Hullo. Hullo
Trixie: I had to basically - [laughs] not hullo.
Katya: [laughs] I love when I go to antique - the antique shop owners in Palm Springs.
Both: Hullo. [laughs]
Katya: Ugh. Hullo. Ya know, it’s like - sassy -
Trixie: Like a Jersey - hullo, uhh. What? Enamel pins aren’t back?
Katya: [snort laugh]
Transcribed by: C.J.