Ep. 121: #WOWHelpMe
Katya: All right.
Trixie: Why am I old, why am I fat?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I just wanna address the elephant in the room. Why am I old, why am I fat?
Katya: Why am I old, fat
Both: Why am I old, why am I fat? Why am I old, why am I fat?
Trixie: Hey - we’re back with why am I old and why am I fat
Katya: Are you sad? [laughs]
Trixie: I love myself but I don’t like the way I am.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: How do we help people with that? Advice is gonna turn into me asking for help.
Katya: [still laughing] I love myself but I don’t like the way I am. Whew.
Trixie: Hi I lost my retainer again. Can you help me find it? Trixie Mattel
Katya: Is it bad that I have a little bit of cat shit in my oatmeal every day? Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Trixie: Oh my God something new and exciting is happening! Every episode from here on out is going to have a new section about advice.
Katya: Wow isn’t exciting? I’m sure as hell very excited. Sorry [laughs]
Trixie: And our advice for surviving a stroke… if you’d like our advice, ask us a question on Twitter tagging @worldofwonder using the hashtag #wowhelpme
Katya: We’ll answer your burning questions at the end of upcoming episodes
Trixie: I do find it amusing that a lot of this show is advice considering we rarely take good advice
Katya: I’m not in a position to tell anybody what to do, which is why I’ve - that’s why I’m sittin right here. Tellin’ you what to do. Well I know what to do -
Trixie: You just don’t
Katya: I don’t do it. No.
Trixie: [laughs] You’re an avid smoker and very anti-smoking.
Katya: Smoking is disgusting, don’t do it. It’s my favorite thing to do.
Trixie: Yeah. I love hair but I am bald.
Katya: Yeah. Yeah [laughs]
Trixie: Ok I have one
Katya: Ok. Lay it on me.
Trixie: How do you break it off with someone after a few dates if they’re interested in you but you're not really interested in them?
Katya: Ok. Um, how many dates? Three? What?
Trixie: I guess that’s a good number. By date three you should know.
Katya: Have you done sex to them at all?
Trixie: Most people will probably do that by date three in modern America
Katya: Yeah I would say so. I would hope so. Listen - you gotta text because here’s the thing -
Trixie: Can you do a TikTok?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: [dances] I don’t wanna be with you
Trixie: Don’t you think that texting is a way to give someone the privacy to have their initial reaction with dignity?
Katya: Yep. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. It used to be viewed as humane and mature to do it in person. Now I think it’s cruel.
Trixie: Yeah maybe it’s nicer to be like um, what are you doing tonight? Oh I’m just at home. Ok, that’s your moment. Don’t be like, where are you? Oh I’m at Six Flags. Great. I wanna break up.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You know like, time and place. That’s embarrassing.
Katya: So I say you do it on the text. You say listen um, it’s not really workin out for me.
Trixie: Listen, you know, and the person’s name
Katya: Yeah. Bob. Randy.
Trixie: Sterby.
Katya: Yep, Sterby.
Trixie: Sterby.
Katya: Sterby or Grenbridge.
Trixie: Yes.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Gurbil. Gurbil.
Katya: [laughs] Gurbil.
Trixie: Hi Gurbil.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You say hello Gurbil.
Katya: It’s a no working for me.
Trixie: You say hi Gurbil, um it’s been great getting to know you, uh -
Katya: Don’t - no no no no. Patronizing.
Trixie: Um.
Katya: Because what if it hasn’t? It obviously hasn’t.
Trixie: Thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you.
Katya: Love that.
Trixie: Cause then you’re not saying you enjoyed it.
Katya: No no. Thanks for giving me the chance to - it’s been - it’s been an illuminating and um, and - [laughs]
Trixie: Yeah. Thanks for giving me the chance to get to know you. Um -
Katya: Yeah. Unfortunately at the current time -
Trixie: yeah
Katya: I’m no longer requiring your little dick services
Trixie: I’m not really feeling that - I’m not really feeling that connection.
Katya: Maybe you could recall an anecdote. Um, the time that they um, climbed up on top of you and had the littlest dick you ever saw in your motherfucking life and then on the - he had the unmitigated gall -
Trixie: Why do they have to climb on top of you for you to see it?
Katya: He looked into your pretty brown eyes and said am I hurtin you? Hurtin you? Motherfucker you are tickling me.
Trixie: He laid - he got up, you were laying - you were laying on your back in bed and he straddles you and goes [lifts skirt]
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Trixie: This is how I always show someone dick for the first time. I lay them down, I climb over their chest and I go [lifts skirt]
Katya: [laughs] peep show. You tease it a little.
Trixie: Yeah. And it’s always hard but tucked.
Katya: [laughs] oh God
Trixie: So first I do this [lifts skirt, legs together] and they look confused, then I - bam! [opens legs]
Katya: [laughs] oh my God.
Trixie: This one comes from Stephanie Roberta in, um, Alberta. And she wants to know - I’ve gone to the point where I forgot someone’s name and never asked again and now it’s been too long to find it out. That is so relatable. I have had people in my phone where they text me ‘how are you?’ and I’m like oh cool, how’ve you been? And then it keeps going and then I still don’t know who they are.
Katya: Okay.
Trixie: Sorry to this man. I don’t know. And at what point do you say like, I just have to like, elephant in the room. I forgot your name and we’ve been talking enough that I don’t remember it.
Katya: That’s - I did that. And you can also say, listen. This is really embarrassing. I have done so much brain damage to myself through drugs I don’t remember your name. Or where I’m from.
Trixie: Or my own name.
Katya: Yeah. yeah
Trixie: Of course you have to have brain damage, so
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah.
Trixie: Let’s say someone wants me to sign something. In this scenario you’re being - you’re autographing something. I go, great, how do you spell it?
Katya: Yeah. I do that too. Except when they’re like S-A-M.
Trixie: The best is like how do you spell that? They’re like, Mike.
Katya: B-O-B.
Trixie: It’s Mike. It’s been Mike.
Katya: Everybody’s bad with names. There are many situations where I can recall - this is what you do. You recall a detail from a previous interaction that lets the person know - I know who you are, I just don’t remember your name. So you say -
Trixie: Oh I love that.
Katya: So you say - I immediately lead in with a - cause they’ll say ‘you don’t remember me?’ I’ll be like absolutely I remember you. I remember we were at the bar and the thing then that thing happened and then [mumbles] what’s your name again? Ya know? You say that. Because they -
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: They’re like, oh this person absolutely remembers me, they can recall an interaction vividly where we were together, blah blah blah. But the name thing - everybody’s bad with names. Everybody’s bad with names. Nobody’s good with names.
Trixie: The fucking worst is when I introduce myself to someone and they go ‘we’ve met.’ Okay great, well I’m introducing myself again.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You can associate someone’s name, like - oh that’s - that’s ugly Stephanie. And that’s like, that’s um -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: That’s Kimberly who can’t drive, or like, whatever.
Katya: Kimberly who can’t swimberly.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: She almost drowned. She almost drowned
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Yeah.
Katya: Vanessa from Chicopee Parish wants to know - I am super attracted to my new stepdad. How do I keep myself from fucking him?
Trixie: I would say you shouldn’t, um, because it’s ultimately - it’s ultimately gonna be - even if you enjoy it, it’s gonna be ultimately weird for your mom.
Katya: Well yeah, you gotta keep it - it’s all about, um - if you hate your mom, you better go for it.
Trixie: Has your mom - is your mom alive? Cause if your mom is gone, you could become your own mom. Become your own mom.
Katya: That’s - oh my God.
Trixie: If you - wait. Let me just say this. If you marry your stepdad, do you become your own mom?
Katya: [silent wheeze laughs]
Trixie: Because you can marry your own stepdad, right? Right? I mean I’m from northeast Wisconsin so people are wildin. But like,
Katya: She’s my sister and my daughter
Trixie: I hope we helped you
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Karen from Detroit wants to know - what’s the easiest way to save money?
Katya: [Sigh]
Trixie: The - the - the gag and the goopery is the most - best ways to save money are the most obvious.
Katya: Don’t spend it? [flashback to old episode] I put all my cash in a hole and I fuck it.
Trixie: You know some of the old ways to save money don’t work anymore.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Making your own clothes - that used to be how you’d save money. Your mom would take you to Gimbels and be like, oh, I could make something like that. Oh! Go to the thrift store.
Katya: You could just go down to the fabric store, get a um, $1.99 a yard four-way stretch spandex and cut a big hole in the back and so you just stretch the costume over - or not the costume, or the outfit - over you. I don’t know - or you could even tape it to the front of you.
Trixie: That’s the way to save money. Buy fabric $1.99 a yard, and tape it to the front of you.
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: If you’d like us to help you, use the hashtag - that is not helpful. I am ready for somebody on Drag Race to turn that corner with fucking fabric taped to the front of them -
Katya: No no no -
Trixie: Next up -
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Trixie: I can’t wait for Drag Race - I can’t wait for Michelle Visage to go, ‘it looks like you - you taped fabric to your body.’ The person’s gonna be like, ‘yes I did.’
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Trixie: And you know it’ll be like, Nina West. It’ll be like a really good natured like ‘I - I sure did.’
Katya: Yes
Trixie: I sure did
Katya: Yes I did.
Katya: Andy from LA wants to know - When should I break the news to my friends that I’ve had plastic surgery? Well, this is a trick question. Mama they already know.
Trixie: We know! What would you have done?
Katya: I’d get my ass done.
Trixie: Really?
Katya: Definitely.
Trixie: This is not a read. Your whole body and face and your ass is the problem to you? I’m saying like, your physique is the least - you have a great physique.
Katya: I have no ass.
Trixie: Oh you want like a, like a little bubble, like a little -
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Trixie: Would you - would you want some of my fat in your butt?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Cause that way I don’t have to - you want fat in my - you wanna put my fat in your butt?
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Trixie: Cause that way it’s not gonna be - I can sound like a donor.
Katya: You want my fat in your butt!
Trixie: I can get plastic surgery and be like, I’m doing this for my friend.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: She needs a kidney. She needs my flab.
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Both: You want my fat in yo’ butt? [laughs]
Trixie: I'm just trying to help.
Katya: Yes I do. Yes I do.
Trixie: Just trying to help.
Trixie: Kimberly from Madison, Wisconsin - Hi, Kim
Katya: Hi Kim.
Trixie: Wants to know like, if you’re on a first date with someone that you’ve been set up on -
Katya: Mmhmm.
Trixie: And right now instantly, no chemistry. What’s the most cordial, fashionable way out of it without really brutally like, hurting someone’s feelings.
Katya: You don’t - ok, I know. You don’t make it about them, you make it about you. You say, [painful groan] oh my God I just shit myself.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: And you make it about - you knock something over, You embarrass yourself. You take the fall. This is what we call in the biz ‘taking a fall.’
Trixie: I just - I’m gonna speak for myself here. I would just sit through the meal.
Katya: Okay.
Trixie: Because of course the date’s uncomfortable. Getting theatrical is even more effort.
Katya: You know they have -
Trixie: I think somebody like you is just looking for a yes and moment.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: You know, you’re looking for like a - uh, the prompt is you’re out on a date and you’re shitting yourself. You’re like UUUHHHH, ughhhhhh!
Katya: I’m just like -
Trixie: It doesn’t even have to be half bad for you to go for that.
Katya: It doesn’t have to be a date.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: I’m just in the restaurant alone.
Trixie: Theatrically shitting yourself and then -
Katya: Ooouhhhhhhhhh!
Trixie: I love that - I love that it’s theatrical until you get around the corner and you’re like, ‘ahhhh! ahhh! ahhh! Still got it.’
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Like - still got it.
Katya: Absolutely. Ow, shit.
Trixie: For me I would say just - I would say just stick the date. Honestly, order yourself a double. We hope we helped you.
Katya: We sure did. We sure do. If you’d like some wonderful advice, please use the hashtag. Wow, it’s like Ow Help Me!
Trixie: Wow! And um, we’re gonna search that and find some of your questions.
Katya: We will do that
Trixie: And probably find some runoff from some people on Twitter who are in otherwise taxing situations.
Katya: Oh yeah. [runs around making dramatic noises]
Trixie: Wait wait wait - if you’re shitting yourself why are you lifting the dress?
Katya: [continues dramatic noises]
Trixie: When you start shitting yourself the last thing you should do is lift the dress to show everyone.
Katya: You wanna -
Trixie: Ahhhh it’s coming out!
Katya: You wanna make sure that people know.
Katya: Mary McCormack wants to know who starred in uh, Switch with Jimmy Smits. Ellen Barkin. [laughs] Hee-haw!
Transcribed by: C.J.