Ep. 120: Random X
Katya: In my dreams, I’m beautiful... and bad
Trixie: Did she know that her asshole looked like a ring pop?
Katya: Mmm, me -
Trixie: Dentistry is cool.
Katya: If you were working for me - you woulda been my number one lady.
Trixie: Do you have a YouTube channel? Do you have a YouTube channel? Remember that? Do you have a YouTube channel?
Pete: If Mother Nature called right now, what would you say?
Katya: Unnhhhhh
Trixie: Unhhh I’m in my 30s. Unhhh I’m in my 30s, I’m in my 20s ohhhhh God aughhhhhh
Katya: Can I - can that - can you [puts Trixie’s hand on her crotch] feel how hot
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Do you see that
Trixie: Feel how cold [puts Katya’s hand on her crotch]
Katya: Wow. What the fuck
Katya: Ronald not to embarrass you or to point you out - I would suck on your hard penis.
Ron: Thanks.
Katya: You’re welcome.
Trixie: Well. Were we filming then?
Off Camera: Yep!
Trixie: Great.
Trixie: Hi I’m Trix - ugh, can’t just say the name. I’m sorry. Im sorry.
Katya: [laughs] you can’t just say the name!
Trixie: Back to one.
Katya: You can’t just say the name
Trixie: Back to one.
Trixie: Hi, I’m that - ugh.
Katya: [burps] mmm
Trixie: Hi, I’m business in the front, party in the back. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I have a... uhh... Oops. Let’s start again.
Trixie: Hi, I’m the bakery/occult shop, Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I’ve had sex with more than 6,000 people and I’m not stopping there. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Katya: Tap dancing in shit.
Trixie: That was this close to being the name of this show. This show has a gay name - I kinda wish we would’ve called it something else.
Katya: What? Uh, two fags being gay and shit?
Trixie: Yeah, but just like - I’m still unclear on how to spell UNHhhh
Katya: I know you are. I - I just say me and Trixie’s web show
Trixie: If I shaved the hair off this area, I would be a baby. Cause I don’t have anything else. So I need this to let people know I am an adult.
Katya: Here’s the thing, the spoiler alert - adult dick. That’s gonna let me know you ain’t a baby. I don’t care about that nasty hair, shave the hair, I want an adult dick. Adult shaved dick.
Katya: Jack Ryan [jaw squeak]
Trixie: Honey
Katya: You go first
Doll 1: I think I’ll call Ken
Katya: Oh, good idea
Trixie: She’s coming right out with her affair
Doll 2: Why don’t you just relax and let me make dinner tonight.
Katya: Perfect! Ken will - yeah
Doll 1: Help me fix my hair
Doll 2: Why don’t we go to the mall. Didn’t you want some new shoes?
Katya: Ah!
Trixie: He’s like your hair is unfixable - I gotta change the subject.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Uh let’s go to the mall. I think you want new shoes.
Trixie: Does the feminine side of you ever wish you could experience the miracle of pregnancy?
Katya: For me, pregnancy is not a miracle. So no.
Trixie: [bird noise laugh]
Katya: And coincidentally, the - my - my favorite job, my dream job, is just dictating books for Audible.
Trixie: I wonder if you’re like, uh - Hillary Rodham Clinton’s What Happened as -
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: As read by -
Katya: I’ll tell ya what happened. Benghazi!
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Oh did you have the tooth fairy? Or you’re too poor?
Trixie: Well we had a tooth fairy but she actually took your money
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: She was called the government. Excuse me? Taxes? Excuse me?
Katya: [laughs] oh my God. Lock her up!
Katya: Oh I won - I won a - I won a title. I won a bar queen title.
Trixie: Bar queen?
Katya: Bar queen. I won a -
Trixie: A behind bar queen.
Katya: I won a pageant.
Trixie: What did you do at the padge?
Katya: We didn’t have the question. I wish we had a question.
Trixie: Let me ask you.
Katya: Ok
Trixie: Ok um so, it says here that 60 per - 65% of Americans cannot locate the United States on a map. Why do you think that is?
Katya: Cause they’re too busy fuckin me in my asshole.
Trixie: Oh -
Katya: [laughs]
Katya: I -
Trixie: I think straight people are a little jealous of us.
Pete: I can see up your skirt a little bit, Trixie.
Trixie: You know what?
Katya: Gay.
Trixie: What is there to see? I’m gay.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: It’s kinda brown.
Katya: Peter’s gay.
Trixie: It’s not brown, there’s shapewear under it. Can you see my weiner?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: What if - I mean, this is a really shocking thing to see.
Katya: Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is.
Trixie: It’s shocking that you were eliminated for that. The character was so memorable.
Katya: It was so fun. Yeah. Oh well.
Trixie: God
Katya: Can’t win em all. Or any of them.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: What I - what I’ve done in my 30s that I really love is flaking.
Trixie: Ohhhhh -
Katya: Call me. I won’t call ya back.
Trixie: By the way I love that because literally an hour ago you yelled ‘how come Kim Chi didn’t invite me to her event’ and I was like, you wouldn’t have come and you’re like, ‘that’s not the point’
Katya: It’s not the point
Trixie: I wanted the opportunity -
Katya: It’s not the point but I want the opportunity to shut it down
Trixie: In fact I wanna RSVP and change my mind last minute. Wasn’t Katya supposed to be here?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: She’s not picking up her phone
Katya: Yeah. She must have found a pizza
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Yeah. No I don’t -
Trixie: Found a pizza.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: If you found a pizza would you spend time with it?
Katya: Yes I would. Yes I would. That’s about being in my 30s mama, it’s my prerogative. Tell ya what I wanna do -
Trixie: [laughs] best thing about your 30s - finding pizzas. They are everywhere.
Katya: I like to find food and figure out what to do with it.
Trixie: I love Christmas music.
Katya: Would you shit in someone’s mouth? The love of your life mama?
Trixie: I will say I love my boyfriend, but there has been times where he is like, let’s fuck and I’m like I didn’t really prepare for it and he’ll be like, I don’t care
Katya: No I like that shitty ass.
Trixie: No he’s just like, I don’t care. But then again I don’t think I douched once from age zero to 25 and nothing ever happened.
Katya: Yeah as long as you have -
Trixie: So I feel like douching is more for personal security more than - if every time you’re having sex you’re shitting on someone’s dick, you have other dietary issues.
Katya: Yeah. You just gotta -
Trixie: Your shit needs to be solid. My shit?
Katya: Hard turds.
Trixie: Knock three times on the turd if you fuck me. Yeah.
Katya: I had a dry bowel movement this morning.
Trixie: If you’re pregnant can you do anal? [laughs] I just wanna know. It’s not for me.
Trixie: You know they sell haunted dolls on eBay?
Katya: Do they really?
Trixie: If you order a cursed doll on eBay and open the box and die in a car accident the same day, maybe you're just a bad driver
Katya: Yeah.
Katya: I don’t like musician theater.
Trixie: I know you don’t.
Katya: I really don’t. That’s - I’m not that gay.
Trixie: Do you know what the truth is though?
Katya: I’m not that gay.
Trixie: People in musical theater hate musical - they’re annoyed by it too.
Katya: [singing] here I go down the street I’m gonna get an iced coffee and I will - [barf sound]
Trixie: You know a good dentist is perceptive though. Sometimes if, say I’m not as numb as she thought, she’ll see me go like [wince] she’ll be like ‘oh not numb?’
Katya: Yeah. I’ll do full drama.
Trixie: Ahhhh!
Katya: Yeah. Yeah.
Trixie: Meryl - Meryl Streep in Big Little Lies. Scream.
Katya: Yeah yeah. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH tears streaming down my face, like - yeah. It’s awful.
Trixie: Yeah
Trixie: Straight guys also hate to have muscular legs. Fit straight guys got them little toothpick legs.
Katya: I -
Trixie: It is so crazy.
Katya: It is so strange.
Trixie: No butt. No legs. No butt. No legs. No butt. No legs. Meanwhile gay guys are like -
Katya: Literally squats only.
Trixie: Oh yeah.
Katya: Squats only. I want a big fat can so somebody can stick an ottoman up it.
Trixie: Yeah. Gay guys are like, I need my ass to be tight as a fucking drum when somebody shoves a sedan in it
Katya: [laughs] somebody backs their Subaru Forester into my ass
Trixie: [laughs] yes
Trixie: We should just start dropping our Venmos
Katya: Somebody Venmo’d me a dollar
Trixie: Just send me money directly
Katya: Yeah somebody Venmo’d me a dollar the other day
Trixie: Um, my Venmo is semi-public, it’s @trixiemattel and randomly people will send me requests for like five bucks. Being like, I wanna get a coffee, sis
Katya: Can you type them back fuck you? Can you?
Trixie: Girl, people - Jeffree Starr and Nicki Minaj love to be like send me your report card and I’ll pay for your college. I’m not doin’ nothin of the sort. I’m busy Googling how to deactivate your account.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: And the only way to do it is to come into your room in the night and put my balls right in your mouth
Both: [laughs]
Katya: I will come to their house and take their phone and stick it up my ass
Trixie: Yeah. And when it starts ringing -
Katya: Yeah. [wiggles]
Trixie: Ooooooooo - yeah
Katya: Her name was Cindy, she lived in a chair. She was disabled, oh, but she had nice hair. Thick and glossy, ooh, down to her feet
Trixie: [bird noise laugh]
Trixie: Thank you for the Streamy nomination. Uh we filmed this ahead of time - if we won, we’re so grateful, if we didn’t win -
Katya: Then fuck you
Trixie: Fuck this place. And fuck that whole system. The pageant system of the Streamys.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Miss Streamy 1991
Katya: Miss Intercontinental Streamy At-large
Katya: I would um - I wanna remake like um, a spinoff of Child’s Play. And my version would be um, the - my like, uh, my buddy or whatever would be like a fatter version called Chunky
Trixie: My Chunky
Katya: Yeah. And it would - could never get ya but he would try.
Trixie: He’d just get winded
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah. But he would definitely -
Trixie: Starring Ginger Minj
Katya: [laughs] Chunky. Overweight and has asthma, but he’ll -
Trixie: By the way, did you know that Ginger Minj and Jinkx Monsoon are on tour with Xanadu? There’s a situation where we can pay a fee and see Ginger and Jinkx on wheels
Katya: On roller skates [laughs]
Trixie: And it’s legal. Mama. We’re going.
Katya: What is that universe?
Trixie: What would you really wanna change for gay people? To better - to better our experience.
Katya: Um. The fan clacking can die.
Trixie: Oh. My. -
Katya: And also the -
Trixie: Not just the fan clacking
Katya: yyaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssss
Trixie: Everyone who does it (besides us) - Thwoorping is fine.
Katya: Thwoorping is different. That’s on a web series.
Trixie: The homosexual at the club - I’m gonna take your arm right off. And I’m fucking leaving the club with your hand attached to the fan
Trixie: Do you know - so all the candy you eat, your ass can’t taste that bad.
Katya: That’s true. I had a um -
Trixie: Is that a 100 Grand? Did you ever think you like 100 Grand bars so much because it’s the only 100 grand you’ll ever get?
Katya: Oooooh
Trixie: And that was - sis
Both: That’s the tea
Trixie: Now go and be gay. Goodbye!
Katya: Goodbye!
Pete: Say it really gay.
Trixie: Oh.
Katya: Byeee
Trixie: Byyeeee see you in gay town, gay
Katya: Unhhhhh
Trixie: Ga-gada-ga-ga - oop - ga-gada-ga-ga-ga put the dick in the ass ga-gada-ga-ga-ga
Katya: Hold on [pretends to put stool up ass]
Trixie: Oh yeah. Love that
Transcribed by: C.J.