Ep. 119: Gurl, You Gay
Trixie: Is this the gay episode?
Katya: Mmhmmm.
Trixie: I’ve been training my whole life for this.
Both: [noises, dancing]
Trixie: You know - I love too, like every tenth comment on this channel is always like ‘this is what mental illness looks like.’
Katya: This is what mental illness looks like. Strut, pout, let it out.
Trixie: That’s the worst is when it says ‘this is what mental illness looks like’ and then I’m about to disagree and then I’m like -
Katya: Well.
Trixie: Look at that. It’s - that’s kinda sexy though.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: It’s sexy.
Katya: It is sexy.
Trixie: Energyyy - gay energy.
Trixie: I survived the Vulcan death grip. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I was a falsetto child. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours. Oh my god, a falsetto child
Both: [laughs]
[INTRO]
Katya: Gay gay gay, whaddaya say
Trixie: Gay gay gay. I can’t believe it took us a hundred and blah-blah-blah episodes to think of talking about being gay.
Katya: Being gay. I am so distracted about how good I look right now. [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs] because gay
Katya: Gay! I know. This is what I love about being gay. This.
Trixie: Think of how cute you are as a boy. If you were straight, it would be awful.
Katya: It would be awful.
Trixie: You would be so - just like, just, just - just shit. It’d be so bad. It’d be so bad.
Katya: [laughs] it’d be -
Trixie: Straight people are so gross.
Katya: They’re rotten. To the core.
Trixie: Straight people are sick.
Katya: And yet - straight people are sick and psychotic.
Trixie: They are. Do you know why I think they hate us so much?
Katya: Why? Cause we’re so fabulous?
Trixie: We have so much of what they’ll never have. We’re good at everything.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: We’re smart. We make more money.
Katya: Yeah. We’re -
Trixie: We’re fun.
Katya: We’re better with women.
Trixie: Better with women. I think we’re more empathetic. We have a more vibrant life - uh, nightlife.
Katya: Yeah -
Trixie: Straight bars? Are you fucking kidding me?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Best thing you’ve got to look forward to is to what - maybe a few days a month you get to roll around some bocce ball.
Katya: Bocce ball?
Trixie: Straight people stuff. Straight people love bocce ball.
Katya: [laughs] bocce ball
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: bocce ball.
Trixie: Straight - straight guys take the bocce ball and they’re like, yeah - doesn’t - doesn’t this feel like a boob?
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: They do. Can you imagine if you weren’t gay? What would your straight self be like? Like - if you met another universe straight you, what’s it like?
Katya: Easy. Easy. I’d be in jail. Easy. I’d be in jail.
Trixie: For what?
Katya: Heroin. Because I think gay - it’s very gay to do speed. It’s not very gay to do heroin.
Trixie: Go to like Alabama, the people are like -
Katya: Gay people are peppy - peppy - we gotta keep that energy up.
Trixie: Gay people - that’s - that’s like all the memes about gay people being fast walkers.
Katya: Yes! Oh my God!
Trixie: You know why gay people are fast walkers? Cause in our head it’s like, ok bye Irene, bye! Superstar, where ya from how’s it goin. We’re all singing Womanizer all day in our head.
Katya: [laughs] What made you gay? When did you choose to be gay?
Trixie: I remember sitting up one day and going -
Katya: I think I’ll have a terrible life.
Trixie: I’m gay.
Katya: I was afraid to cross my legs. When people would leave the room I’d cross my legs. I know, it’s so sad. I just wanted to cross my legs.
Trixie: I love that you’re like - bye mom, bye dad -
Katya: and then -
Trixie: 3, 2, 1
Katya: And then this though. And then this
Both: [wiggles with ‘limp wrists’]
Katya: Can I tell you - can I show you how my impression of being gay is?
Trixie: Sure
Katya: [flails while walking offscreen]
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: That’s it. No sound. Or, or if you wanted a sound - [does same thing] auuuuhhh
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: That’s gay
Trixie: Totally
Katya: That’s gay.
Trixie: Gay girls.
Katya: Well gay girls, that’s a whole other thing.
Trixie: I mean -
Katya: I’ll tell you about gay boys.
Trixie: Gay boys. Gay girls are sort of the superior race because there’s nothing more punk rock and anti-patriarchy than being like, not only do I not need a man, I like, don’t need no man.
Katya: I don’t need NO man
Trixie: Literally no -
Katya: I wanna suck on titties
Trixie: Yes!
Katya: I wanna suck on titties and play with titties, and do interesting things, solve problems and be happy. Unhhh
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: I would - I mean, I collect Barbies. That’s pretty beyond.
Katya: You are so fucking gay. Let me tell you about you. Hi. You are gay as shit. You are the gayest fuckin piece of shit I’ve ever met in my life. So gay. So homosexual. So thoroughly queerly gay and faggy and gay. Did you know? [laughs]
Trixie: I always describe myself as maybe not the gayest acting person -
Katya: No no no no no I’m not talking about that. I’m not talking about acting
Trixie: Like I’m not as - but my accessories and my lifestyle and the things I like and do and say - could not be gayer.
Katya: Could not be gayer.
Trixie: I have a BFA in musical theater. And then I went to beauty school, and then I did Drag Race. That -
Katya: And then you go to her condo and she’s - pink. Everywhere. The only thing that would make that gay is if you had a bucket of cum that dropped on you when you opened the door.
Trixie: You need to come over sometime.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: You haven’t seen some of the renovations, honey.
Katya: [laughs] renovations
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Guuurl.
Trixie: You haven’t seen some of my renovations. You wanna see my renovations?
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Well when you’re around straight people and you say things like, work my pussy out.
Katya: Yeah they -
Trixie: They’re like….
Both: What?
Trixie: Your - your - your pussy is working out?
Katya: They don’t get it. They don’t get it.
Trixie: You wanna go to the gym? When I talk to straight people I might talk more like this [deeper voice]
Katya: Yep. Yep
Trixie: Or like, Uber. Hi Brian
Katya: Yeah, yeah how are you
Trixie: I go really deep - and they’re like, are you even talking? I’m like -
Katya: When I think about a straight man I think about a dirty ass.
Trixie: I remember reading this thing from Reddit. This straight woman was like, ‘my husband doesn’t really wipe good cause he says it’s gay to touch his butt. How do I get him to wipe good?’ It’s like - what?
Trixie: Straight people in comedy, too - straight people in comedy.
Katya: Ugghhhhhh
Trixie: Straight guy comedians -
Katya: Ughhhhhh
Trixie: Literally just show up in tshirt and jeans, and talk about fuckin some girl
Katya: Mustard stains. Yeah. So I was fuckin this bitch the other night, I got mustard all over my balls
Trixie: I will say, gay people, we talk to each other in a way that straight people would find shocking.
Katya: That - we’ve earned it.
Trixie: I fucking love your axe wound you whore.
Katya: [laugh]
Trixie: Unhhhh - you know what I mean? Like - straight people would be like - what? - Fuck you cunt
Katya: You fucking bitch.
Trixie: Yes. Like, hey bitch.
Katya: [laughs] I fucking love your axe wound, you whore?
Trixie: I fucking love your axe wound, you fucking whore
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: ILY! When we call someone a bitch it’s a term of endearment.
Katya: Yeah. You fucking bitch.
Trixie: Hey girl. Oh - so I love when I accidentally call a straight person girl. Or I’m like, she - you know ‘bout her?
Katya: [laughs] You know ‘bout her
Trixie: It’s a straight guy, like, plucked.
Katya: They’re so confused. So confused.
Trixie: Like, you know ‘bout her?
Katya: Oh, she’s goin through it.
Trixie: Oh my brother, she is pissed.
Katya: So I - I was at a dinner the other night and I realized that I’m not as gay as I thought I was
Trixie: Really?
Katya: Yeah. Because I - looking around and I realized that I’m the only one at the table who didn’t have all the furniture up their ass.
Trixie: I know my ass is gaping when you go to bed and you wake up on the floor. I swear there was -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Really, that’s that funny to you? Ok. [laughs] the only thing that gets her going is the idea of a bed going up my ass.
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Trixie: A bed up my ass.
Katya: A four-poster canopy bed. With a frame and a box spring
Trixie: Yeah you ever tried to bottom and then he’s like - it’s having a hard time getting it in - and you’re like, oh there’s like, a box spring up there.
Katya: [wheeze laughs]
Trixie: There’s a box spring.
Katya: It’s - it’s - it’s funny to me because it’s so - just out of reality by that much.
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: Because these motherfuckers, I’m tellin you - Mary, I am tellin you
Trixie: Tell me
Katya: Will you please listen to me. They take the furniture up their ass. Like, OK - this thing [holds up fist] child’s play. This is noth- this is a popsicle stick. This [holds up both arms together] is intermediate.
Trixie: People do this?
Katya: Yes they do. Yes. Honey.
Trixie: Gay people are really -
Katya: It’s - they’re wildin out with Nick Cannon. They are.
Trixie: They really are though.
Katya: Yes
Trixie: What about straight people and gay porn? I love when the for-pay straight guy is like ‘yeah I’ve never done this’ - I love that.
Katya: I know -
Trixie: Don’t even - like, don’t -
Katya: I love it
Trixie: He has like, spiked blonde tips. A puka shell necklace. ‘I’ve never done this before.’
Katya: There was - there’s like, it’s so funny. I watched this scene once where there was like, a very committed methodical um, set - where the guy was like - the guy, very, he looked very straight, and then the gay guy was trying to like ‘hey, just relax - let’s not get - ’ and it was very - it was just taking forever, right - very realistic.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: All the sudden, like they kiss and then the straight guy, ass up, getting pounded
Trixie: ‘I’ve never done this’ - they have a tattoo that says cum dump
Katya: [laughs] seriously
Trixie: Like, they’re not even going for it. Like, they’re not even trying to do acting. Can we get some like, Stanislavski - like, get some Uta Hagen - respect for acting? Ya know, like - some theater classes. Some improv. Some yes and.
Katya: [snort laughs] yes and the ottoman can go right up my ass
Trixie: Yes. I think I remember my first gay kiss and I remember - I was like probably 15 and it felt very affirming of like - yeah I knew. It felt like being gay got real.
Katya: I pre-came so much I thought I wet myself.
Trixie: From kissing?
Katya: I was - let me tell you about my penis for a moment. Do you mind? Like I - I did a lot of stuff with girls. And I was always trying to like - I wonder if this feels good. That’s - that’s a red flag. If you’re having that - if you’re at home and you’re making out with somebody and you’re saying to yourself, ‘I wonder if this feels good’ Spoiler alert -
Both: It doesn’t
Katya: It doesn’t -
Trixie: That is so sad.
Katya: It is really sad but you know who it’s sad for? The girl!
Trixie: The girl.
Katya: It’s sad for the girl
Trixie: Like, why won’t he finger me? Cause he’s wearing too many rings
Katya: Yeah cause he has acrylics on.
Trixie: Although the lesbians have the bangers.
Katya: The bangers - the two short ones.
Trixie: Yeeahhhh
Katya: Anyway, so - I knew I was on the right track when I was making out with this um, this kid named Adam. And we were just making out and I - it was like Niagara Falls Frankie Angel down there. Niagara Falls.
Trixie: Do you remember um - being like a little bit out. Like I remember being 18 and be like -
Katya: I was bisexual
Trixie: People were like, ‘are you gay’ and I’d be like…. yeah. And every time I said it I had to mentally push myself over a fence
Katya: Oh really
Trixie: To just even say it out loud.
Katya: Ok
Trixie: Are you gay? You’re gay right? Cause I was in college for musical theater. No one cared. Like, you’re gay right? And I’d be like -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Yeah. Like -
Katya: Push out the ottoman out of your ass.
Trixie: Yes! It would hit the ground covered in slime. I’d be like, does that answer your question? Anybody missing an ottoman honey?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Mmmmmmm
Katya: [snort laughs]
Trixie: You missin it?
Katya: Jennifer Convertibles. Up your ass
Trixie: Jennifer Convertibles. That’s a drag name!
Katya: Yes it is.
Trixie: Jennifer Convertibles.
Katya: It’s really good.
Trixie: But you know what - any group has internal social problems -
Katya: Yes
Trixie: And I think gay people still, um, at their core, at their root - we still rise above the rest of em
Katya: Yeah, I - I - I - um, there’s uh, there’s a common enemy. That’s straight people.
Trixie: We’re comin for you.
Katya: We’re coming for you
Trixie: And we do have a lot of straight fans
Katya: Yes!
Trixie: So we don’t mean you, but we do mean everyone else.
Katya: We’re not talking about straight girls. And anybody - any straight guys out there - I will fuck you.
Trixie: Yeah. But everybody but you guys.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: We hate everyone else
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: But you’re cool.
Katya: I will fuck any straight man.
Trixie: Sorry to this man
Katya: Sorry to this man - look - but um - oh, and if you’re, if you’re a straight man, or straight identifying man, whatever, um - hetero mostly, and you would love uh, to have sex with me - comment below. And if you wanna ride this dog into the night -
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: And if you wanna fuck me, uh, write a comment below, copy/paste it into an email, send it to your therapist.
Katya: [blurt laughs]
Trixie: And figure out what birthday clown touched you.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Seriously.
Katya: What’s your um - what’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?
Trixie: [pause, sigh] I killed a guy.
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: That’s very straight.
Katya: That’s very straight. Very straight.
Transcribed by: C. J.