Ep. 118: Doll Hoarder
Katya: I love this soft filter [silly laugh] soft.
Doll: No, you don’t look at all fat in that dress. Hello darling. Have I told you I loved you lately?
Trixie: Who gave you that?
Katya: I bought it myself.
Trixie: No you didn’t
Katya: Of course I did
Trixie: I don’t wanna date that guy. That guy’s a serial killer.
Katya: This is not a date. This is a marriage situation. The perfect man.
Trixie: The perfect man would have a dick. Maybe two of ‘em.
Katya: One in the front, one in the back.
Trixie: The perfect man to me gets hard and a dick shoots it right out of his ass. [laughs] I think the perfect man would have a few dicks, like, I would be able to be like which one - like, ya know -
Katya: Small, medium, large?
Trixie: Yeah like what am I feeling today?
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah
Trixie: I’ll take the - ya know, quinoa
Katya: Do I want a blown out cow pussy tonight or -
Trixie: Hi I’m an old brown leather chair that an old man died in. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I just got kicked out of a Zumba class for taking a shit. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Trixie: Hello.
Katya: We are so pleased you started to join us.
Trixie: Listen I wanna ask you one question. Do you worship the dolls?
Katya: The dolls! Everyone’s talking about the dolls. We have an assortment of dolls here. Um -
Trixie: Did you play with dolls when you were a kid?
Katya: I sure did. I was partial to a Jem and the Hologram doll
Trixie: You did??
Katya: And I was bullied by my gay uncle for liking dolls - how you like that? Who was an antique collector - he collected shoes. Shoes. Occupy Japan - OJ, you know about OJ? Not that OJ.
Trixie: Occupy Japan Simpson? I know her. I know that queen.
Katya: [laughs] Japan Simpson.
Trixie: Can I sit?
Katya: You wanna sit? Now we’re sitting.
Pete: So what did you play with as a kid?
Trixie: Me? Oh um, well corn husk dolls
Katya: Really?
Trixie: No [bird noise laugh]
Katya: I - I love a haunted folklore kind of doll
Trixie: Yeah what is with that?
Katya: Ok well this is Timothy. He’s been through the ringer as you can see
Trixie: Oh she is ugly. Katya who IS this
Katya: That's Olga. Let me see. Oh no that’s Greta. She’s cute. She’s folky. Listen, looks are not her strong suit. You have no idea what she’s capable of.
Trixie: [laughs] I know that she’s capable of a murder.
Katya: [laughs] yeah.
Trixie: They came from the same -
Katya: Yeah look, see, look how nicely they fit together
Trixie: [gasp]
Katya: [sings] Timothy and Greta, hackin up couple. Revenge fantasy scenarios? Voodoo dolls? Stuff like that? That’s fun
Trixie: Voodoo
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I never got into voodoo. The only - the closest thing I did to voodoo was steal someone’s tshirt, cut a doll out of it, sew it shut, put a piece of their hair in it, and burn it. That’s the closest I ever got to it
Katya: [laghs] just dabbling
Trixie: And there was candles and there was a pentagram, but I don’t look back.
Katya: I’ve been gifted many voodoo dolls and um I just love that shit.
Trixie: Can I just say this. You know the psychological state of this person. Why do fans gift you voodoo dolls and weapons?
Katya: No they don’t give me weapons. Well -
Trixie: Legs.
Katya: Oh - oh yeah.
Trixie: Do you wish they would have let you keep that leg?
Katya: I wanted to keep it so bad. You have no idea.
Trixie: Did you ask?
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Did they say no?
Katya: Yeah. They said no. And it was substantial, you know.
Trixie: You would’ve done a little chitlins, like -
Katya: I would’ve taken it around the world. And I would use it like a telephone cause it was big enough to do that. It was - ugh. It was great. It was great.
Trixie: We have Funko Pops. Look here’s mine, I have mine in the box
Katya: I love yours, it’s so cute.
Trixie: Thank you. I have it out of the box as well. Oh bitch - what about this. Did this happen to you on tour? Old men would show up at the stage door with like a box of my Funkos, and they would want us - want me to sign all of them. They sell ‘em!
Katya: In-sult!
Trixie: And I’d be like oh are you a big fan? And he’d be like yeah I couldn’t get tickets.
Katya: I just realized I got bamboozled. There was a very gorgeous young man who waited outside the stage door, wanted me to sign something. Uh, cut to 25 minutes later after I’ve signed an entire fucking stack of printed out 8x10s and a whole other bunch of shit
Trixie: Why didn’t you detect that -
Katya: Because he was very attractive and I didn’t know that people did that.
Trixie: Let me just say this -
Katya: If you’re gonna do that you gotta fuck me.
Trixie: [laughs] I was gonna say buy a ticket to the show.
Katya: No, no. You gotta fuck me.
Trixie: Like I don’t care about that.
Katya: You gotta fuck me mama.
Trixie: You shoulda said I will sign these 8x10s if you sign my insides with your load
Katya: Yeah. You better carve your name out in s- I don’t even wanna say it. Yeah
Trixie: Splooge. I hate that word.
Katya: Ugh! I hate all words about cum. Dolls! I’m agape and aghast at this uh, exotic display of incredible fashion.
Trixie: I’m gonna run you through it.
Katya: Okay
Trixie: So if you guys wanna know what I did with RuPaul’s money, um, lean in. This is like an OG Barbie. Uh, this is a number four, probably 1961. She’s like - think about it - 61, how many years ago is that?
Katya: Uh 20? 20 years. 25 years.
Trixie: 60. So this is almost 60 years old.
Katya: [to the doll] You’re free
Trixie: Could you imagine if you just snapped the arm off in front of me? And you know what the big problem was hello, she has melon breasts. Succulent melon breasts. And everyone -
Katya: I wanna suck on those titties.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: I do remember maybe it wasn’t this doll but it was probably a Barbie that uh - taking off the clothes and licking the breasts
Trixie: [bird noise laugh] Please don’t
Katya: Like -
Trixie: No don’t do it
Katya: No no I’m not gonna do it. But then also, same thing with the crotch, which was less exciting. And then same thing to the butt. I don’t think - I’m actually not sure if I did the butt, but -
Trixie: I - I think it’s safe to say you did the butt. [accent] did I do the butt?
Katya: I did the butt!
Trixie: I did the butt! Ok I have something you’re gonna love.
Katya: Ok
Trixie: So this is fashion queen Barbie. The fashion queen Barbie came with molded hair - and she came with wigs.
Katya: Fuck it up.
Trixie: That’s what I’m saying!
Katya: Oh my God this is so incredible. Also this by itself turns the party.
Trixie: But look at the quality of toys that -
Katya: You could put this on a penis head.
Trixie: Ok. Oh I never thought of that. That’s gross.
Katya: Mama. [gasp] Oh Charlotte look at you
Trixie: Where’s she goin?
Katya: Ummm roller rink. And then - oh Cynthia I heard your dad passed. I’m so sorry
Trixie: [laughs] So this -
Katya: Who is this gorgeous lady and talk to me about this overprocessed hair
Trixie: I love this doll. This is called Dusty. So - yes. Dusty was made by a company named Kenner and when women’s like, lib happened, like, Gloria Steinem being like we don’t have to wear makeup, we’re our own people. Kenner was like, Barbie’s going down. Let’s invent like, the women’s lib Barbie that’s less, like, girly and more like -
Katya: Could she get an abortion?
Trixie: No she still can’t, no. And the problem with her is, uh she is definitely more athletic.
Katya: Cause she - has a soft bend in the knees I’ve noticed.
Trixie: She looks psycho.
Katya: Yeah I -
Trixie: People say she looks like you during your tanning phase
Katya: I love - exactly. And she’s got a zest for life that is clearly evident from the grin on her face.
Trixie: And then also she was athletic so she could do things like this
Katya: [gasp] That’s a serve
Trixie: And they had the nerve to call this doll in the ads Dusty, America’s most beautiful doll.
Katya: Beautiful is not the first word I would say, uh -
Trixie: Legs are hot dogs.
Katya: They’re hot dogs.
Trixie: To me it’s about the face. The white lip - yeah
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: She said -
Katya: Are you fucking serious. Oh um who’s the lady in the wheelchair?
Trixie: Oh well this is from - one of the newer dolls so this is uh, they’re very focused now on like all shapes all sizes. They have dolls with prosthetics -
Katya: Oh no way!
Trixie: They have um -
Katya: That’s crazy though cause a doll is a prosthetic
Trixie: [laughs] a doll is not -
Katya: You know what I mean
Trixie: I’ve never opened her. You wanna open her? Yeah we can open her. Sure. This is fun.
Katya: Oh my God
Trixie: Oh she - she has a ramp
Katya: Shut up!
Trixie: What - well.
Katya: Sorry
Trixie: You know - just like in real life wheelchairs - it’s hard to always have access
Katya: Ta-da!
Trixie: She’s stunning.
Katya: Oh I had another doll that I actually got rid of sadly. Jennifer - did you ever see Jennifer? It was a headless torso sex doll made out of latex?
Trixie: The one you were fucking?
Katya: I fucked it three times.
Trixie: Did you touch the boobs?
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Cause you guys - I saw it. It was a pussy with no legs and no arms, which is a choice
Katya: No arms, no legs, they’re just floppy. You get - cause then it gets a little like - you know what I mean?
Trixie: [bird noise laughs] no head though.
Katya: No head.
Trixie: But it’s a little Jack the Ripper to buy a torso to fuck.
Katya: Oh absolutely it is yeah.
Trixie: Well I haven’t fucked any of these. Um. Not yet.
Katya: Well we got plenty of time in the day. But you know it’s sad though - I got rid of it by putting it down Courtney Act’s trash chute.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: And it was like - I like, had to stuff it in there like a dead body. And it went BOOM like the - you could hear it -
Trixie: Does she know?
Katya: No, no no.
Trixie: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait -
Katya: Sorry gal.
Trixie: Wait a minute. You were at Courtney Act’s house -
Katya: I was fucking it in her bed - the one I shat in. Some people are bad.
Trixie: This is superstar Ken from 1977. He’s very sexy, don’t you think?
Katya: I’d fuck him. You know who else I’d fuck
Trixie: I’m afraid to let you touch these now. You’d fuck a toy
Katya: No I’d fuck with this guy.
Trixie: Hey you know what they say about big feet
Katya: Large shoes
Trixie: Mom’s dead.
Doll: You're going shopping by yourself? How about if I tag along and carry your bags?
Katya: I think that’d be wonderful, Jerry.
Trixie: [bird noise laugh] What about her, she’s also really tan
Katya: Oh she’s a slut
Trixie: This is the first time that Barbie’s eyes like, faced directly forward
Katya: Oh ok
Trixie: Cause women’s lib. People were like I’m a woman. I know what I want.
Katya: Sure
Trixie: Look at me I’m lookin at you
Katya: Yeah. Listen, buster. Yep. Wait are there any dolls that are illegal?
Trixie: No but there are a lot of controversial dolls.
Katya: Oh like, racial?
Trixie: No like um, a Barbie set called slumber party. And she came with pajamas and whatever
Katya: And a little bit of cocaine
Trixie: No. She also came with a scale permanently fixed at 110. And it came with a book that said ‘how to lose weight’ and on the back of the book it says ‘don’t eat.’
Katya: [shocked silence]
Trixie: That was actually on sale. People actually bought it.
Katya: Wow.
Trixie: Did it bother you that a lot of um, doll houses don’t have toilets?
Katya: They don’t have toilets in the doll houses? What do they think - poop goes back in their butt?
Trixie: Well I would bring my own toilet. I would do like a little sardine can and then I would take a piece of my turds and roll it up really small - really small - so small - ohhhhhh - then I would squat the doll over it and just -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Well I wouldn’t lick it - I would lick it first, yeah. One of the ways that kids play with dolls, um - is like considered like, torture play.
Katya: Oh yeah.
Trixie: Meaning like, cutting the fingers off, cutting the hair, writing on the face.
Katya: Defacing them, yeah. I would - I cut all the hair off of them and then I would like give them black eyes and then tear their clothes - yeah. But you get - you, ya know, you purge all those negative feelings out and then you can just be a sunshiney ray of light during the day
Trixie: Is that what happened to you? She turned out fine.
Katya: Yeah. I transitioned to lizards.
Trixie: Katya had this made for me for fun
Katya: Now you wanna talk about dolls - Andrew Yang is the man.
Trixie: Yeah - follow him on the internet. Yangabang.
Katya: Yangabang
Trixie: He made this by hand
Katya: By hand. From scratch.
Trixie: And look it - Katya had this made for me as a gift -
Katya: Look at these fucking lucite heels.
Trixie: Hooker. Pamela Anderson.
Katya: They’re so amazing. The earrings - it’s so good.
Trixie: He told me when you were - he was making this - you’re like the one thing I’m not budging on is this shoe.
Katya: [laughs] yeah.
Trixie: And so he had to figure out how to make this shoe.
Katya: You gotta make a seven-inch lucite platform.
Transcribed by: C. J.