Ep. 117: Winning & Losing
Katya: Do you look at the monitor? I keep lookin’ at the monitor. Do you look at the monitor?
Trixie: How do I look like me and not stare right at that fucking monitor.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: It’s - Pete, can you zoom in? Unhhhhh unhhhh [stares at self in monitor]
Katya: Can I go to the bathroom? Can I go to the bathroom? Can I go to the bathroom? I have to go to the bathroom. I really have to go to the bathroom.
Trixie: Go, go! I don’t need you for this. [staring at self in monitor] I don’t need you for this.
Katya: I’m very regular and this morning it did not happen.
Trixie: No, I didn’t get to poop.
Katya: I didn’t get to poop.
Trixie: I didn’t get to poop. Ohhh I wanna poop.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ohhh I wanna poop.
Katya: Ugh.
Trixie: Don’t use any of this.
Trixie: Hi I’m celebrated African American actress and vogue dancer, let’s have a Kiki Palmer. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I’m here to tell you that blue is definitely not your color. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Katya: Do you love awards and nominations and accolades? I believe you do.
Trixie: Can I tell you this. In interviews etc I say things like, ‘it doesn’t matter to me, I just like to like, challenge myself, I just like try to be -’ I wanna win.
Katya: Inside, you’re -
Trixie: I wanna go home with the trophy. I wanna put it on my mantle.
Katya: Let me ask you this. Do you - have you practiced your acceptance speech for a Grammy, or an Oscar, or a Tony?
Trixie: No! Have you?
Katya: Of course I have. [loses earring] ughhhhhh!
Trixie: How did you practice an award for a movie you haven’t done?
Katya: It’s just in case.
Trixie: Ok would you win an Oscar or a Grammy or an Emmy or a Tony
Katya: It wouldn’t be a Grammy. It would be an Oscar
Trixie: I could see you winning a Tony.
Katya: I don’t sing.
Trixie: It’s a theater award. It’s not -
Katya: Oh it’s a theater award.
Trixie: It’s not a musical award.
Katya: Oh it’s not a musical award. Oh -
Trixie: You could win like, best play. Or best, uh -
Katya: Love, love that then
Trixie: There’s probably a Tony for like, one woman - cabaret act
Katya: But I don’t - who’s watchin the Tonys, not me. So I’m watching the Oscars.
Trixie: I don’t watch anything.
Katya: Tonys are too gay - I’m not that gay.
Trixie: Is it gay?
Katya: [stares at camera]
Trixie: I always wanna do one of those plays where I’m up there alone.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: It’s what I do for a living I guess - I do, ya know, one woman shows - but you know something like - something like by -
Katya: [laughs] you do that. You do that.
Trixie: I know. I guess I do. Nevermind.
Katya: You do that. Totally.
Trixie: Losing -
Katya: Mmhmm
Trixie: Is a much more educational experience.
Katya: Oh yeah. I love losing.
Trixie: The pressure is definitely off when you lose.
Katya: Yes!
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: Yes. Yes it is. There’s no pressure. And also you get to like, you get to be a role model for people who are really serious about winning.
Trixie: True.
Katya: Ya know
Trixie: And ya know, when you lost you definitely went on to show us all that it wasn’t the end of the world.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: And you really inspire us all that we too can ascend to greatness. [bird noise] is that what you’re saying?
Katya: This is - when people are really upset about um, losing or uh, upset about not winning - that makes me laugh.
Trixie: Oh. Yes. Have you ever been at something where someone doesn’t win and they are plucked?
Katya: Yeah they are plucked and -
Trixie: Gooped at the padge.
Katya: Good for like, you have a lot to learn.
Trixie: I love nothing more than someone winning and someone who not - didn’t win - hearing that name and turning and leaving the stage.
Katya: [laughs] yeah
Trixie: I love that. The great thing about drag is we are inherently losers. We are inherently failures. Nobody is doing drag because they’re great at everything.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: This is sort of a - porn for people who don’t have much of a face.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ya know? Like Drag Race is the OG Onlyfans. Are you an ugly old fag?
Katya: Porn for people who don’t have much of a face.
Trixie: Really. Like, wow, he’ll suck the dick but we don’t wanna see him do it. Ya know?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ya know?
Katya: But uh -
Trixie: Have you ever been with a guy where you’re like, ooh yeah I wanna like - let’s like, face the mirror, and he’s like, let’s not.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ya know, sometimes doggy style starts to feel like a read. Ya know? Like you’re fucking me and I have one of those like um, Boba Fett helmets on? You know like those giant visors?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ya know?
Katya: Put on this helmet.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Put this helmet on you balding bitch.
Trixie: Yeah. Hey tell me about something you’ve won.
Katya: I don’t know if I’ve won anything.
Trixie: You won Miss Congeniality on season 7
Katya: That’s not an award though. It’s a consolation prize
Trixie: No and let me tell you this. An award voted on by people -
Katya: Uh huh
Trixie: I think is the most valuable kind.
Katya: What is your - what is the ultimate award for you to win?
Trixie: Oh God, well Drag Race was pretty up there
Katya: Oh that’s right! I forgot. I forgot you won. You won that.
Trixie: I did.
Katya: You won that!
Trixie: Drag Race was pretty up there because if you’re a drag queen, winning Drag Race of course is like -
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You’re one of 15 people or whatever who is ever gonna do it. But um I just in my wildest dream, it would be cool to win some kind of music award.
Katya: Yeah. Grammy?
Trixie: Even like a local thing, like I think there’s some Drag Race queens who’ve won cabaret music awards for their original shows.
Katya: Ok. Billy Bob’s Fruit Barn Wagon Wheel Award?
Trixie: Billy Bob’s Fruit -
Katya: Billy Bob’s Fruit Barn Wagon Wheel Award.
Trixie: Yeah that’s what I would want.
Katya: Right. [laughs]
Trixie: It’d be between me, uh Billy Ray Cyrus, and um the ghost of the Anderson Sisters. Yeah. But then again back when I started doing drag, we weren’t celebrated at all.
Katya: Mmhmm.
Trixie: Ya know it’s crazy how much the terrain has changed. Drag queens weren’t winning awards for nothin.
Katya: Will you - would you cry? Would you cry?
Trixie: Of course.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I cried when I won Drag Race.
Katya: Did you really? Literally like -
Trixie: Of course. Roll the tapes!
Katya: But did you actually cry?
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: It wasn’t fake crying?
Trixie: No it was real. We were at Roscoe’s in Chicago and um, they go, “I’ve made my decision. The winner of All Stars - the champion -” and then I did win. And just completely -
Katya: Waterworks.
Trixie: Oh. The video is me like pointing at the tv, mouth open, crying. And I was wearing nail gloves which were not a good choice. So I looked like a muppet. Just sobbing.
Katya: Oh my God.
Trixie: I was in a spelling bee once when I was a child.
Katya: Oh!
Trixie: [Swedish accent] When I was child -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: [Swedish accent] I go to spelling bee. We have to spell words.
Katya: I love spelling bees.
Trixie: Yeah I love spelling. I dunno, something about it. When I was a kid I was just like, I like the way things are spelled. I remember I had to spell tornado - and that sounds like an easy word -
Katya: And it is.
Trixie: But it doesn’t have an e on the end
Katya: No shit.
Trixie: I put an e on the end like tomato.
Katya: Ohhhhhh
Trixie: And they rang the bell and I was so confident that they were wrong, that I looked at them when they rang the bell like - really?
Katya: Oh.
Trixie: I hate to be wrong.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ya know?
Katya: See that’s the - I usually assume that I’m wrong.
Trixie: I trust my brain too much. The paramount thing in my mind should be ‘you’re an idiot, everyone else is right.’
Katya: Mmmm. I’m the opposite where like, I’ll just assume I’m wrong and say like ‘oh I’m probably wrong’ and silently I’ll be like ‘you know you were right.’
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: But you know - Gen Z, I was reading an article on Gen Z -
Katya: Am I a Gen Z?
Trixie: You are so far behind
Katya: Ok what is Gen Z. Oh am I a boomer? Am I a baby boomer? I’m not a baby boomer.
Trixie: You’re a pooper.
Katya: Am I a party pooper? I’m a panty sniffer.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Which one am I? Which one am I? Mom, tell me. Mom!
Trixie: Ok what year were you born?
Katya: 1982
Trixie: You’re Gen X. Demographic cohort following - following the baby boomers and preceding the millennials. That is you.
Katya: [sings] Generation X
Trixie: Generation X yeah
Katya: Like the Spice Girls.
Trixie: And I’m a millennial.
Katya: You are a millennial.
Trixie: Millennials - we’re all about I’m important, I can do anything, I’m gonna go to college, I can have anything I want in the world.
Katya: God, that is not me
Trixie: And they called us entitled -
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Because we -
Katya: Cause you had self esteem.
Trixie: Cause we wanted things.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: And um, the Gen Zs like you because - Gen Zs like - I’m trash, I’m garbage, relatable content is like, wearing a tshirt dress and not having a job. Do you know what I mean?
Katya: Ok. Ok.
Trixie: And I think we make the Gen Zers feel better about being garbage.
Katya: Gotcha.
Trixie: They have a very poor outlook on the - the - the prognosis of the earth.
Katya: Which is - that makes sense.
Trixie: They’re like uh, no it’s uh, timed out scientifically - not, ya know - the world’s gonna stop turning.
Katya: Hey what do you think about that little Swedish girl?
Trixie: Which one?
Katya: [pause] I don’t know. [laughs]
Trixie: [Swedish accent] I do want to talk about the Swedish people
Katya: Um. Greta Gerwig?
Trixie: [Swedish accent] Greta Gerwig
Katya: Greta Gerwig - what - Greta, Greta -
Trixie: [Swedish accent] She was my neighbor
Katya: You don’t remember Greta - ‘how dare you, you stole my future’
Trixie: Oh yeah didn’t she say you stole my future
Katya: Yeah you stole my future.
Trixie: I mean, Greta Gerwig - great drag name. Greta Her Wig.
Katya: [laughs] Greta Her Wig
Trixie: Now what award would you give to me?
Katya: I would give absolutely hardest working.
Trixie: Oh my God I agree.
Katya: Hardest [laughs]
Trixie: For me. You?
Katya: Still alive.
Trixie: World’s chunkiest ass.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: World’s chunkiest ass.
Katya: If this fuckin ass gets any chunkier, bitch -
Trixie: I would give you a plaque that says -
Both: Still here. [laughs]
Katya: I love that
Trixie: I want you to become - cause you’re not old, but when you are - which is soon -
Katya: Yeah [laughs]
Trixie: I want you to become one of those fucking old guys who has a baseball cap on that says like, ‘ain’t dead yet motherfuckers’
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: And like a - like a - over the hill tshirt that says like, ‘still peeing standing up’ or whatever. I don’t know.
Katya: [laughs] I sat down to pee so I could look at my phone. So I could look at my phone.
Trixie: What happened on the phone?
Katya: Just - just stuff on the phone - but -
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Winning - being happy about winning is great. Being too sad about losing - oh my God it is no big deal. It is no. Big. Deal.
Katya: What did Melissa Edwards say? Winning isn’t everything but wanting to is?
Trixie: Melissa Edwards?
Katya: Melissa Edwards [laughs]
Trixie: The legendary queen Melissa Edwards. I also love when Alyssa says uh, winning isn’t everything but wanting to is, and she says ‘before you sell it you gotta buy it yourself.’
Katya: She also says ‘dirt in the skirt.’
Trixie: What is that?
Katya: Dirt in the skirt. Ya slide home. That’s from a movie. [laughs]
Trixie: Anyway. Don’t forget to subscribe to -
Katya: WOW Presents
Trixie: [laughs
Trixie: Rigga Morris! Oh yeah and if you do lose, call it rigged.
Katya: Rigged!
Trixie: Doesn’t matter what it is. It’s fixed!
Katya: That’s the - that’s the thing, yeah. Because -
Trixie: That’s the best thing about pageants is -
Katya: The truth though. It is rigged.
Trixie: Everyone who didn’t win says it’s fixed.
Katya: Rigged. Mama. That -
Trixie: But the person who won is like, I sweeped the competition.
Katya: I - yeah. I deserve this.
Trixie: Drag queens are that level delusional.
Katya: Oh yeah.
Trixie: Where no matter how bad they were, they were like ‘it wasn’t my year.’
Katya: It wasn’t my year. It was fixed, it was rigged, it was, it was - I was bamboozled.
Trixie: Maybe someone did better than you and that’s ok.
Katya: Yeah. Maybe you’re not that good and that’s just perfectly fine.
Transcribed by: C. J.