Ep. 116: Walking Children in Nature Part 2
Trixie: Ok I’m gonna be honest. This outfit looks good, but it is extremely tight. So I’m gonna be - [inhales]
Katya: I took off my butt pads and I have it open in the back. I feel good, although I’m shedding everywhere - did you see that? I’m gonna try to keep it cute. Unhhhh. I look - look how fat I look -
Trixie: No you look awesome
Katya: Look how fat
Trixie: You look like Shallow Hal - you look like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal when she’s in the fatsuit. Holy shit you look huge. You look so [bird laugh] By the way, elephant in the room. Have I lost a few pounds? Yes. Has she gained a few pounds?
Both: Yes.
Trixie: I mean I’m still LA 600-pound life. People in Los Angeles still hold doors open for me.
Katya: Both of ‘em.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Right this way, fatso.
Trixie: Hi, delete it fat. Trixie Mattel
Katya: [laughs] And my art mop could clean anything. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Trixie: Well, we’re walking in nature. I wonder if we’re gonna see - oh! Ahhhh! [picture of Alaska goes by]
Katya: If you had to die in an outdoorsy kind of situation, what would your preferred method of going be?
Trixie: Dying.. well, definitely not eaten or anything horrible. Definitely not froze to death. I guess… I don’t know. How would you die?
Katya: Dropped into a volcano.
Trixie: Ok but like, that can’t happen.
Katya: That’s outdoorsy.
Trixie: In western Mass. There’s a volcano.
Katya: No no, say we’re going to Mount Saint Helens and she gets active, and we are doing a helicopter tour
Trixie: And you fall out of the helicopter into the volcano. At least it’s fast
Katya: Fast. Vaporized. Um - animals!
Trixie: Oh my God. Love!
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Very into animals. Uh, well wait a minute -
Katya: Love! Love. Fierce.
Trixie: Animals are cunts.
Katya: Birds are really fierce.
Trixie: Bears.
Katya: Oh
Trixie: I grew up in an area that had a lot of black bears
Katya: Oh yeah
Trixie: And one time I was driving my ‘94 Dodge Intrepid and baby bear, one side of the road - mama bear, other side of the road. My car in the middle. I saw the bear - imagine me - I reclined the seat, laid flat, and then I put the car in reverse and just like slowly drove away without looking. Cause I was like, I’m not gonna - a bear could flip your car.
Katya: There was a bear named Katya in Kazakhstan. Girl - she mauled some people. They put her in jail. 15 year sentence in a - in a - in jail. She just got out of jail.
Trixie: There’s a bear in jail?
Katya: She just got out of jail. Look it up. Katya. The brown bear. Honey. Sweetie. Darling. Toots. Yeah.
Trixie: I am very into when animals have human names
Katya: Yeah. Maureen
Trixie: Beth
Katya: Beth!
Trixie: Beth.
Katya: This is my cat Beth.
Trixie: This is my painted turtle Beth.
Katya: [laughs] this is my dog Karen. What about, um - what about riding with dolphins? What about touching - touching mammals? Different mammals?
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Not mammals. Not mammals. Manatees. Jellyfish. Stingray. You like the aquarium?
Trixie: I like - I love the aquarium. But that is indoors.
Katya: Oh yeah the outdoors. Bigfoot - real or not real?
Trixie: Not real.
Katya: Loch Ness Monster
Trixie: Not real.
Katya: Okay.
Trixie: People probably saw like, one tentacle. Like have you seen the picture of the Loch Ness Monster? That’s a tentacle. So if you were gonna die, which - tick tock -
Katya: Yup
Trixie: Which animal would you want to come back as? In the wild?
Katya: Oh, um.
Trixie: I mean don’t you think the right answer would be some kind of bird?
Katya: I was - you just read my mind.
Trixie: Eagle, something very high up that like - you’re not even prey. You’re a predator bird. Know what I mean?
Katya: Yeah. Yeah, some kind of - ooh, maybe a vulture. I’d love to eat dead shit.
Trixie: I see that for you. I really do.
Katya: Cause vultures don’t have any predators, I don’t think. And they just eat - they’re scavengers. They just eat -
Trixie: What they - what they’re being preyed on is, you know, funguses and bacterias that they’re eating.
Katya: Oh yeah, but that’s livin’ on the wild side mama. That’s the majesty of mother nature.
Trixie: Maybe it’d be fun to be a coyote. Some kind of like, pack animal.
Katya: Coyotes are like, hated, despised, and -
Trixie: And scary. I remember being a kid and hearing them at night. You would hear like ‘awooooooo’ and it just was like -
Katya: yeah.
Trixie: A lot of times, this is crazy. A lot of times if you have a dog, the dog would join up with the coyote or wolf packs. Your dog would be gone and you would see it years later, fuckin’ in a wolf pack. That dog said fuck you.
Katya: Fuck you and your kibbles and bits.
Trixie: Did I ever tell you about Checkers, my dog? I had a dog named Checkers who got eaten by a bear. My neighbor called me and said ‘hey it’s Miss Lou and God, Checkers is in my yard. He’s just gettin’ it.’
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Checkers is just gettin’ it.
Katya: Just gettin’ it.
Trixie: And that’s - found out that the dog - cause um, wild animals. Fuckin crazy.
Katya: Yeah absolutely.
Trixie: Bears kill everything.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: We also used to - this is like, real country - we used to on a weekly basis in the summer - cause we had well water -
Katya: I was just gonna ask if you fetched buckets of water!
Trixie: No, we didn’t fetch water but our water did come from under the earth. We used to on a weekly basis go down to the lake and wash our bodies in the summer.
Katya: I was just gonna talk to you about -
Trixie: Weekly bath in the lake.
Katya: You’re reading my mind. You’re reading my mind. Linda, Native American woman, and she said ‘You gotta wash yourself in the lake. You gotta wash yourself with the silt and it’s a natural exfoliant.’
Trixie: We didn’t rub dirt on ourselves. We were trying. We were white trash but we were trying. So we were doing soap.
Katya: Oh, you did soap.
Trixie: Yeah and we would also bring like, our 3 dogs
Katya: You coulda killed the fish! Coulda killed the fish.
Trixie: Whole family, jump in the water. Wash wash wash. Dogs swimmin’ - dogs love it.
Katya: Oh dogs do love it.
Trixie: And now thinking back - I think swimming in lakes is kinda scary. Lakes and ponds
Katya: Well -
Trixie: Plus when you wanna swim in a pond, you gotta put your foot into some squish. It’s like poop. It smells like poop. You’re stepping in poop.
Katya: You even think about urinating - mama let me tell you what’s gonna happen. That razorfish is gonna go straight up your dick hole.
Trixie: [gasp] That happens?
Katya: Yes it does. And there - it’s like, um - you know there’s um, it goes up and it has those things so you can’t pull it out cause it’ll - you know what I’m talking about? So imagine this thing it has little -
Trixie: Oh yes.
Katya: So you stick it up -
Trixie: It’s like a - that’s like a duck dick.
Katya: Yeah, duck dick. Exactly. Duck dick, woo-ooo!
Trixie: Anybody at home who's been fucked by a duck, you know what I’m talking about.
Katya: Pulling out is not an option.
Trixie: You’re gonna have a duck baby.
Katya: You gotta squiggle it up. Well ok, outdoorsy. If you had to have sex with an animal. If you had to have sex with an animal - and I’m talking a talking animal. This is not bestiality.
Trixie: You don’t have to convince me.
Katya: [laughs] This is like -
Trixie: Continue. You had me at sex with an animal.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: So if I had to have sex with an animal again...
Katya: [laughs] yes
Trixie: Which would it be.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Um, which would it be.
Katya: And you can do a squirrel. They can be big.
Trixie: Oh like a human size whatever.
Katya: Human size squirrel.
Trixie: Okay. I would probably have sex with a bear. A big murderous bear.
Katya: I’d do a polar bear. Big.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Big huge weenie.
Trixie: I think fucking a polar bear is kinda hot.
Katya: [laughs] I had a transcendental experience in uh Sedona, Arizona.
Trixie: Tell me about that.
Katya: It was so beautiful. Red rock, just like - miles of red rock. Most incredible sunsets. Just picturesque. This is outdoorsy kinda - I told you we had to go scorpion hunting with golf clubs.
Trixie: What?
Katya: In Arizona you gotta do that. You gotta check the perimeter of your house because as it gets cold they migrate towards warmth.
Trixie: Did you see some?
Katya: Oh yeah we - I killed one with a golf club!
Trixie: That is terrifying. Aren’t they fast?
Katya: It is terrifying. No, they just - they’re just literally just sittin’ there. They’re just sittin’ there. They’re not fast. They’re not fast at all.
Trixie: I hate that.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: One of the best things about living in LA is there’s almost no bugs.
Katya: Ummmm there was a giant cockroach in my kitchen
Trixie: Yeah that’s fine, but like in the country, like I remember-
Katya: Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Trixie: When I was a kid once - was a junebug that flew in my mouth.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I’ll never recover from the feeling of those little legs on my mouth.
Katya: [laughs] did you -
Trixie: In my mouth.
Katya: Did you go like this [makes face]
Trixie: I remember I was outside and I was like, I don’t know, walking -
Katya: [sticks out tongue] uhhhh, like that
Trixie: Yeah. It was just like a cartoon or something like, it was like zzzzpp. And the taste - it was so bitter it made me want to throw up.
Katya: Did you - eat it?
Trixie: It tasted like ammonia or something.
Katya: Did you [makes spit out noise]
Trixie: Yes.
Katya: Oh my God.
Trixie: And I’ll never forget it.
Katya: Oh my God.
Trixie: I’ll never forget - June bugs are fucking sick.
Pete: A fly did land on your lip here, too.
Trixie: [sigh]
Katya: [burp]
Trixie: I am so humiliated by that fly on my lip.
Katya: Why? It wasn’t your fault.
Trixie: But it was so gross.
Katya: It is super gross.
Trixie: And there’s footage of it. And there’s a moment where I go like - [makes face] It looks so ugly.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I look so ugly in it. Normally I’m like, ya know, unhhhh, more this. Bugs are gross and weird. And spiders can go fuck themselves.
Katya: Yeah spiders can all fuck all the way off pretty much.
Trixie: I don’t kill ‘em - cause they are important.
Katya: I killed one the other day.
Trixie: But I do take them and throw them out of my house.
Katya: I killed one the other day.
Katya: They should do the Godfather but in the woods.
Trixie: Okay.
Katya: There’s a fish in the percolator [jaw squeak]
Trixie: Hello, anybody there?
Katya: Hooooo, hooooo
Both: [laughs]
Katya: I wanna be an owl!
Trixie: That’s pretty fun.
Katya: Look at me already - look at it. And this is the -
Trixie: Plus owls don’t -
Katya: Oh my God look at it. No no no no look I’m an owl, and this is - this is the carcass that I will poop out. You know how they have bones in their poop.
Trixie: Mama - pellets.
Katya: Pellets.
Trixie: In 6th grade we had to dissect owl pellets.
Katya: Yeah, the bones. Find all the bones.
Trixie: Plot twist, most of them don’t have bones in them. One kid in the class will have bones, a full skull, and you’re just sittin there with a disappointing turd.
Katya: Thank you. Story of my life.
Transcribed by: C. J.