Ep. 115, Walking Children in Nature Part 1
Trixie: Ugh, God
Katya: [laughs] We are both giving very - two distinct outdoorsy looks
Trixie: Pajama jeans
Katya: Pajama jeans
Trixie: This is what I would wear on my second date with a guy when he’s like ya know ‘you wanna go fishin’ I’d be like ‘sure’ and I’ll show up wearing this with a pole, and I would catch a fish and then jerk that fish off. Do fish have boobs? We can talk about it.
Trixie: Hi I’m the toxic lubricant that left you looking like an irritated asshole. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I run a specialized hotel and telephone service that provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Trixie: I feel for the first time we’re talking about something that I have um -
Katya: The upper hand on?
Trixie: Yes!
Katya: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that
Trixie: The outdoors. The woods. The country.
Katya: Mama I was raised by wolves
Trixie: I will say maybe I’m biased. I don’t think it really gets prettier or better than like, rural midwest. Like northeast Wisconsin is beautiful. If you go somewhere where there’s actually seasons and there’s actually trees - it’s lit.
Katya: New England fall - fol - I say foilage, foliage - foilage - foilage - tourists - foilage, fall foliage
Trixie: I’m obsessed that you can’t say foliage
Katya: Foilage? Foliage. It’s Foliage. I say foilage. Mama
Trixie: Um, well. Something about the outdoors -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: The looks. I love flannel and straight leg jeans and like, boots.
Katya: Boots, yeah.
Trixie: And like a dad hat.
Katya: A rucksack.
Trixie: Yes! But I worry that people aren’t going to think I’m fashionable. But it’s ok to be from the country and dress like you're from the country right?
Katya: I don’t think you’re in danger of anybody ever thinking you’re fashionable.
Trixie: I’ve never worn jeans in drag until now. It’s fuckin hot.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Unhhh denim. Unhh denim
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I will say something great about living in the country was -
Katya: What?
Trixie: Privacy. I spent so many of my days alone in the woods all day.
Katya: Now what’d you do in the woods?
Trixie: A lot. I had a tire swing. Ya know, climb trees, build forts. Chopping.
Katya: Ya know, we did - we did uh - me and my friend, we made a huge satanic ritual space in the woods.
Trixie: Something fun to do.
Katya: We did. And we walked around it.
Trixie: Did you think that you were doing, like - were you ever a kid and you're like -
Katya: We did. Yeah. We thought we were doing rituals.
Trixie: Am I magic?
Katya: Yeah, we thought we were doing rituals, mama. We were doing rituals.
Trixie: Am I doing magic? Were you turning it out?
Katya: We were turning it out. We were turning the magic party.
Trixie: Sees The Craft once
Katya: Yeah totally. Totally
Trixie: Were you a Boy Scout?
Katya: Absolutely not.
Trixie: I was a boy scout but I’m from such a country area, we would go to the Boy Scout camp that was in a bigger city than where we’re from. So it’d be like we’re going to rough it in a place closer to something like a Walgreens.
Katya: Oh wow.
Trixie: Do you know what I mean, like -
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: This ain’t shit. Mama at my house we’re eating our own turds
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Well, not eating our own turds
Katya: We’re eating ass to mouth, yeah.
Trixie: We’re so broke we had to jerk off the cat to feed the dog
Katya: [laughs] I love that so much
Trixie: Did you ever do like, stargazing? You know, look up at the sky and like oh there’s uh, -
Katya: Oh Cassiopeia!
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: Cassiopeia!
Trixie: What are the big ones?
Katya: Cassiopeia! The big dipper! Little dipper!
Trixie: That’s the only ones I -
Katya: Hercules! Hercules!
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Shut up.
Katya: No seriously, Cassiopeia.
Trixie: Did you ever do the poor people thing where you look at the clouds and do shapes?
Katya: We did one better, how bout this. You take a piece of black construction paper and catch snowflakes and look at them with a magnifying glass.
Trixie: That is poor.
Katya: It is - we did it at Catholic school. And you know what the moral of the story was? Everybody’s different, unhhhh!
Both: [laughs]
Katya: Cause it’s true every snowflake was - it was - you could see all the detail! That is God’s - mama - that is God’s work.
Trixie: It is amazing.
Katya: That’s God’s work. She said hiiiii
Both: [laughs]
Katya: Catholic school, mama. Get into it.
Trixie: [bird noise laugh] God said hiiiiii
Both: [laughs]
Katya: I love God
Trixie: No you don’t
Katya: I do, F you
Trixie: Did you ever - when you were a kid - sleep outside? You know sometimes like, mom let me sleep outside
Katya: I slept on the trampoline once
Trixie: Yes sleep on the trampoline. You wake up wet. What’s with that?
Katya: I don’t know! I thought I went peepee.
Trixie: Oh you know what it was - it was God being like, you know what would be funny… [pretends to pee] I’m pissin on you. Ooh I’m pissin on you. Oooooh piss
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I will say this look, I do look like a guy from the back
Katya: Yes you do
Trixie: I look like Amy Schumer at a cookout
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I hate fishing
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I hate it.
Katya: Have you done ice fishing?
Trixie: Yes of course. Danger
Katya: Never done it
Trixie: It’s so weird and boring. Who is ice fishing? You fucking drill a hole about this big in the ice. And you hope the ice is thick enough to hold you?
Katya: Let me - it’s just an excuse to get drunk.
Trixie: You think?
Katya: Yeah. All fishing is just an excuse to get drunk.
Trixie: And then people have ice, like um -
Katya: Ice huts
Trixie: Ice shacks
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah
Trixie: And it sits there on the ice and you just hope it never falls in. People drive out on the ice. Also how are the fish alive?
Katya: They’re way down there
Trixie: But they’re cold blooded I get that but if the water is frozen how come the fish aren’t frozen? How come the water is only frozen on the top?
Katya: Mother Nature said
Trixie: God said hiii
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: You ever had sex in the woods?
Katya: [sad pause, shakes head no]
Trixie: That’s so sad
Katya: I know but we had makeup contests. Not makeup contests - makeout contests in the woods. It was in high school, we did this like we’re dancing [holds out arms] and then we would um - we would do - you know how -
Trixie: Would you kiss girls?
Katya: Yeah we were kissing girls
Trixie: Did you get boners?
Katya: I did not have a boner cause we went on so long - it was a makeout contest, so who could go the longest. But I didn’t really know what the point was. Anyways um, Mark and whoever - he’s the dead one - murdered - uh, drool hangin. Mama they had drool hangin. They couldn’t keep it together. Unhhh
Trixie: Drool hangin, unhhh
Katya: Did you fuck in the woods? You fucked in the woods you fucking bitch
Trixie: Freshman year of college, me and my boyfriend at the time - we both had roommates - one day we wanted to just like, make out or be alone or whatever. And we were on campus, and the campus in Milwaukee had like a lot of bushes and trees and we just like, found a bunch of bushes. No blanket just us making out. Touching in the pants. Uncircumcised. People are such uncircumcised haters - people need to grow up. People need to grow up. Discrimination is gross
Katya: [confused] what are you talking about?
Trixie: People hate people with foreskins
Katya: Why?
Trixie: Gay people are rotted.
Katya: Are you serious? This is a thing?
Trixie: Do you not know about this?
Katya: I don’t know about this. I thought they liked foreskin.
Trixie: A lot of people are really grossed out by intact foreskin.
Katya: That’s how your dick should be
Trixie: Let’s say a - what do they call like an anteater or whatever. People are gross. Your dick used to look like that.
Katya: Yeah before some weird rabbi cut it off and sucked the blood out
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Sorry. There was a hepatitis outbreak in the Hasidic community once because the - because that reason. It’s crazy mama. [looks in monitor] I love myself.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: I also kinda like the way people’s heads smell nasty when they come in from the cold. You know what I’m talking about?
Trixie: Like hat hair, like a fuzzy hat?
Katya: No no no like, you know how when you come in, and your head smells kinda nasty?
Trixie: No.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: No.
Katya: You don’t know?
Trixie: That’s what I mean - is it from a hat?
Katya: Well yeah.
Trixie: Ok that’s - well I guess that makes sense. It is funny when people take their hats off and their hair is plastered to their head.
Katya: Yes. If a man comes in from chopping wood and his cheeks are all ruddy - I think that’s beautiful.
Trixie: You fuck with sledding? I used to go sledding with the homeschool kids
Katya: Oh, yeah.
Trixie: Cause by the way, every day of their life is a snow day. But - it was uh very religious homeschool kids. They’d be sledding in floor length skirts and shit. I’m like, this is crazy. Y’all are Sarah Plain and Tall.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: It is December. Can we get some leggings for Mary Sue?
Katya: Yes.
Trixie: And Phineas.
Katya: Phineas. Oh wait wait hold on hold on hold on hold on. Hold on. Excuse me.
Trixie: I didn’t say anything.
Katya: Well don’t start. I have to say something. I fucking hiked in the wilderness 50 miles and then slept in a tent - no plumbing - outdoors
Trixie: Your tent didn’t have plumbing?
Katya: So it was pouring rain. We’re hiking all - I’m talking the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed, we’re hiking. But Gore-Tex hiking boots, mama, at the end of the day I took off those boots. Feet dry as a bone.
Trixie: Really.
Katya: Gore-Tex.
Trixie: Covered in blood.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Dried blood.
Katya: Dried blood.
Trixie: Was this before phones? Not phones, but cell phones
Katya: No. I didn’t bring a cell phone.
Trixie: Uh, sprained my ankle, no phone. Dead. Unh.
Both: [laughs]
Katya: Wait wait wait - oh, ok. So the Gore-Tex - remember the Gore-Tex hiking boots?
Trixie: Sure.
Katya: 50 miles in we say forget it. So we hop on a whatever to um, Belfast. There’s a Russian themed gay bar called the Kremlin. This was at the height of my Russian obsession so like, I gotta go. I went there. This guy got me so drunk. He was like, a builder - you know, like a, uh, construction man.
Trixie: You know, a builder.
Katya: Construction man. He brought me home and he wanted to eat my ass but I wouldn’t take off my boots. So I had my pants down around my ankles with my boots on his bed, like, straddling - holding on to the headboard just sitting on his face. My weenie wouldn’t get hard cause I was so drunk. And he kept saying ‘What’s your kink? What’s your kink?’ and I was like ‘I dont know!’ And then I went home. [laughs] Never took the boots off. Never took the boots off.
Trixie: The outdoors can be very cleansing. Outdoors. It’s not the in - it’s - listen, what is the outdoors but the indoors with no walls?
Katya: There you go. Look, an indoor outhouse.
Trixie: There is a place called uh - what’s it called, Kentucky Kingdom? In Kentucky.
Katya: Not uh -
Trixie: It’s a biblical theme park and there was a girl - she was on one of those drop rides. Mama - legs decapitated. Legs chopped off. You’re riding a God themed ride and your legs got chopped off? Take the hint. Ain’t nobody looking out for you. Nobody - nobody’s even lookin out from the knee down.
Katya: Legs chopped off?
Trixie: Legs. Chopped.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Her legs got bangs. Let’s just say that.
Katya: Oh my God [laughs]
Transcribed by: C. J.