Ep. 114, I'm in My 30s
Trixie: Look at that monitor. I mean -
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I am so - unhhh. Look at these lashes against this white hair
Katya: They’re insane. They are completely insane. Yeah.
Trixie: I love having these teeth too.
Katya: Do you love it? You love it.
Trixie: Look at me in drag.
Katya: Yeah they look great. You should get the bottoms done too.
Trixie: [shows bottom teeth]
Katya: Oh. [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs] It’s sort of like, you know, my - my breast augmentation.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I got breast augmentation. I’m just like, feeling more confident just like, feeling more like me.
Katya: [still laughing]
Trixie: Breast augmentation.
Katya: [still laughing]
Trixie: Breast augmentation. [bird noise laugh] breast augmentation. Hey, another sponsor. Could you imagine if we just -
Katya: Breast augmentation dot com.
Trixie: Could you imagine if we had tits?
Katya: Oh my God. Alright let’s do it.
Trixie: Hi I’m the fashion accessory that gives you confidence in that time of the month, shoulder pads. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I’m Betsy Faye Sharon and I’m a bitch. Now get the fuck out of here. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Trixie: I gotta tell ya. I gotta tell ya.
Katya: Mhmm
Trixie: I turned 30
Katya: Congratulations
Trixie: Not super recently, like 2 months ago.
Katya: Yeah. Congratulations
Trixie: And it is no big deal but I will just say this - I remember being 21 and thinking, I’m not going to be some 30 year old drag queen. What a sad life you live, old man in wig.
Katya: [laughs] yeah. I think I would have said 40. 40 year old drag queen. Cut to two weeks from now
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Do you like being in your 30s? I mean, listen, age ain’t nothin but a number. Nothin but a number.
Trixie: Well, I went from being on the very tail end of old 20 to the youngest 30. In the 30s. I’m a baby in my 30s. I’m a 30 year old baby.
Katya: She’s a baby.
Trixie: If I snatched this wig off right now I have one curly cue with a little bow in it and I go [baby noises]
Katya: [baby noises]
Trixie: Do people wanna call you daddy?
Katya: I will not accept that.
Trixie: Will you accept mom?
Katya: [laughs] yeah I will accept mom. I will slap them and ground them.
Trixie: Stepmom. Step aunt. Finger me, step aunt. [laughs]
Katya: Step aunt is not a thing. Are you gonna be called daddy? Do you like that?
Trixie: No. Cause I’m baby.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: What about people who lie about their age? Have you ever lied -
Katya: I think that is so fucking stupid.
Trixie: Have you ever lied?
Katya: No!
Trixie: Why would you?
Katya: That is so stupid.
Trixie: Well you’re somebody who looks so good for your age - why would you lie, because your bragging point is yeah I’m 37 and I look like this
Katya: It’s so dumb. It’s so dumb.
Trixie: Jeff from our editing team is 43. He looks - I’m not - He looks -
Katya: 27
Trixie: 27.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: So you might as well tell people you’re 43.
Katya: Yeah. It’s just so crazy. So stupid.
Trixie: You know what though, if you’re gonna start lying about your age do it young.
Katya: I’m 11 when I’m 16.
Trixie: Yeah say you’re 11 when you’re fully 19. Start young. I just turned 30 - what’s the advice? You’ve got 7 years of experience in your 30s.
Katya: I would say uh, there’s nothin. Nothin. There’s no advice. There’s no advice. There’s uh, the thing that I like about the 30s is that people say it’s like it’s all about me.
Trixie: Let’s say you’re 20 and you start sleeping with a 25 year old.
Katya: [makes dumb face]
Trixie: Wait was that you at 20? [laughs]
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Ok let’s say you’re 20, you start dating a 25 year old. You’re like, my boyfriend’s older.
Katya: Yeah. Older boyfriend.
Trixie: And now it’s like, I’m 30. If I was single and I dated a 40 year old I probably wouldn’t think twice about it.
Katya: I wouldn’t think about it. When I was 25 I licked the ass of a grandpa who was 65 years old. [laughs] You wanna know something though? Let me tell ya.
Trixie: How did you know he was a grandpa?
Katya: Mama, listen - sit your - sit down in the chair. I gotta tell ya. I licked his asshole and I ejaculated. I did. And I did not wait for him to finish because at that point I did not care.
Trixie: And he had already passed.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I gotta ask you something.
Katya: So nasty.
Trixie: If you were sleeping with someone
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: And you realized in the middle on the way to your climax
Katya: That they had poop in their butt?
Trixie: That they had passed on. Would you stop?
Katya: No.
Trixie: [bird noise laugh]
Katya: Cause I’m in my 30s I’m all about me.
Trixie: [bird noise laugh] Also you got the consent
Katya: Yeah. Listen you seal the deal, it’s all in writing or whatever. And then you-
Trixie: That’s when you can get freaky
Katya: Yeah. Because, listen -
Trixie: Take my wig off.
Katya: How bout this. The body’s still warm, you got heat in the house, no problem. And guess what’s gonna happen in about 2.5 hours? Riga Morris, mama. [laughs] You can’t do that. You can’t do that!
Trixie: Can we talk about this? Yeah? But I was 24 on Drag Race. That’s so young. You were 31?
Katya: 32.
Trixie: Ok. 32.
Katya: That’s old.
Trixie: You look the same now because you were 32.
Katya: Yeah, Right right right right, yeah. Yeah there’s not really any difference between 32 and 37 -
Trixie: Yeah. So I don’t like being treated like this reverse accelerated Benjamin Button just because my success found me before my second puberty.
Katya: Reverse. Accelerated.
Trixie: Which is normal aging. [bird noise laugh]
Katya: Yeah that’s true.
Trixie: I went from everyone’s hot new yellow-toothed Wisconsin trade to mama -
Katya: [laughing] Gypsy Rose
Trixie: Gypsy Rose Blanchard.
Katya: [laughing]
Trixie: People used to like, have a house and babies at 20.
Katya: My mom had three kids and a house by the time she was 30.
Trixie: That’s crazy.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Some people have four kids right now at your age. Could you imagine?
Katya: No!
Trixie: And then you’re supposed to know all this shit?
Katya: One time my mom, she had - like I said when she was 29 or 30 - she had 3 kids. One day she screamed at the top of her lungs and then left for China for 2 weeks.
Trixie: Your mom did this?
Katya: Yeah. She just left for China. She rode her bike in China. She said ‘I’m out.’ Yeah.
Trixie: Her name? Amelia Earhart. Never saw her again.
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Have you ever had a mugshot?
Katya: No. I wish I had a mugshot
Trixie: It’s never happened yet. A lot of our drag race sisters have had them.
Katya: Tatiantra just had a mug shot.
Trixie: Tatianna just got one! It’s stunning.
Katya: Yeah it’s great.
Trixie: She looks better crying in a mugshot than I do in my 8x10
Katya: [laughs] yeah
Trixie: It’s actually offensive. Meanwhile, if I got arrested in drag it would be like fucking Uncle Fester is cross dressing again. In the back of a police car
Katya: I would be - they would cuff my legs -
Trixie: The cop car would drive by and no one would see your head. They would see two Louboutins in cuffs sticking out the back seat
Katya: [claps]
Trixie: There’s a lot of old people things I want to get into.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: You know?
Katya: Like high fiber Metamucil?
Trixie: Well. Since I became a homeowner -
Katya: [groan]
Trixie: Now I like things like antiquing. Home decor. You know what my designer told me yesterday?
Katya: What?
Trixie: Curtains are the eyelashes of a room.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Does that mean that eyelashes are the curtains of the face? Cause that would be bangs.
Katya: Bangs are the curtains of the head.
Trixie: Bangs are the curtain of the head which is the eyes to the windows to the soul
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Men have a second puberty around 30. Did you know this? They have a second puberty around 30.
Katya: When - did mine already happen?
Trixie: A lot of things happen. That’s when people start getting ear hair. That’s when people - when metabolism changes again. Your sleep patterns change. Your sex drive changes. Everything changes at like 30 again.
Katya: Oh.
Trixie: For you, mostly negative
Katya: I was gonna say. This is not something to look forward to is it?
Trixie: You went from awful to worse
Katya: [laughs] this is not a good thing
Trixie: Yeah, no no no. It’s not. Did you think - oh you were thinking it was gonna be like, hormone replacement therapy. You were gonna turn into a teenager again
Katya: Like a little boy again
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Do you think when you take bad care of yourself you look worse?
Katya: I know I do. Cause I can see it.
Trixie: Yeah. I can remember stretches of time in your life since I’ve known you where the outside was telling a story of the inside.
Katya: [laughs] Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.
Trixie: Everything. Skin color, eye color, like, for you - unchanging teeth color is almost annoying.
Katya: I - I - I don’t get it.
Trixie: It’s fucking irritating.
Katya: I swear to God I feel like I -
Trixie: That was your second puberty.
Katya: Yeah it must be. I feel like there’s um, there’s like a witch’s hut in my mouth. You know what I mean?
Both: [laughs]
Katya: I just feel like - I just feel like there’s some - I like tripped and fell and there’s like, a magic tablet lodged in my mouth.
Trixie: Yeah. I wanna be like, ‘how do you get your teeth so white?’ and I want you to pull down your lip and show like, a black magic inscription.
Trixie: I love older men.
Katya: I do too.
Trixie: I think I would - the oldest I’ve ever been with was when I was 20 I slept with like, a 33-year-old.
Katya: [rolls eyes]
Trixie: That’s 13 years. But that's 13 years! At the time.
Katya: Ok.
Trixie: What’s the oldest you’ve been with?
Katya: 65. That grandpa ass I licked, remember I told you?
Trixie: Was that real?
Katya: Yes it was absolutely real.
Trixie: That’s a real story?
Katya: Yes it was!
Trixie: That grandpa ass I licked! That grandpa ass I licked. I gotta ask you - when you were taking his clothes off -
Katya: I wasn’t taking his clothes off.
Trixie: Did you take off his cardigan, his chinos,
Katya: [laughs] his chinos. His loafers.
Trixie: Mr. Rogers. It’s Mr. Rogers. I just hope that as I get older - I’ve looked older for a long time.
Katya: Mmhmm.
Trixie: So I hope that if you look old young, you hopefully look the same longer. And maybe therefore when I turn 40, people like ‘wow you look the same as you did when you’re 30’
Katya: I see a third puberty for you.
Trixie: What happens during this?
Katya: Well we go back.
Trixie: I think my knees go back the other way.
Katya: [laughs] you start walking back -
Trixie: Yeah, that leg. That backwards leg
Both: Yes.
Trixie: What age are you gonna stop doing drag?
Katya: 50
Trixie: Are we gonna be like, Bunny and Coco Peru? Like, could you guys imagine us really old doing drag?
Katya: Well I - here’s the thing. This is the thing. Um, I will stop doing drag when it’s not fun. There’s nothing more depressing than an older drag queen who doesn’t want to do it.
Trixie: I do think sometimes, like, ok let’s say by 35 if I’m back like, lip syncing for tips I don’t know if I would continue.
Katya: Mmhmm.
Trixie: Only because I would be trying to look for something a little more substantial.
Katya: I’m just gonna go back into the woods
Trixie: And if you’re in the hot tub at the gym and you need to shit, you’re 30.
Katya: [laughs] you just let it go?
Trixie: Somebody comes in - I’m watching - I put a little sail on my turd and I’m watching it
Katya: [laughs] Oh my god
Trixie: I’m watching it go across the tub and I go I’m 30. And what?
Katya: Unhhh I’m in my 30s
Trixie: I’m 30 unhhhhh in my 30s
Transcribed by: C. J.