Ep. 113, Dental Artistry
Katya: Yes, yes. How often do you dress?
Trixie: You wanna do a show, you little prick?
Katya: [laughs] ya little prick.
Trixie: Now, you know how I am. I’m Dolores Umbridge
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: You mustn’t tell lies.
Katya: Look at this manicure mama
Trixie: [laughs] Looks like my old teeth.
Katya: You could never
Trixie: Hi I’m the plus size shoe store for women, Cankle Boots. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I still love doggy chow. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours
[INTRO]
Katya: Teeth scares. Tooth drama. Horror stories in the mouth.
Trixie: Before we start talking about dentistry I just want to acknowledge that I look great
Katya: You know what, I agree. Wholeheartedly.
Trixie: And I always have to say it because you never do. So I just wanna -
Katya: I wanna tell you about you for a second. Like when you fish for compliments, the compliment doesn’t turn up dead and poisoned? Do you know what I mean?
Trixie: I’m also - I know I look crazy. When I look in the mirror I think ‘this is how much eyeliner people wear.’
Katya: Yeah. Those lashes don’t look like you skinned a black beaver.
Trixie: [laughs] Well, anyway. Something you had on television - you started out the gate with beautiful teeth.
Katya: And the only thing I’ll ever give myself credit for is before I got on tv, I knew - I was like I really should bleach my teeth. And I did and it worked out great.
Trixie: It does cause some excess sensitivity, like -
Katya: If you go over 5 minutes - it is the sneak attack too.
Trixie: It’s a slow ache
Katya: A slow ache where your -
Trixie: Nerves. Nerve pain
Katya: Your teeth turn to brown bread and then your - they just dissolve into your mouth and you have nothing but exposed nerve endings. Sometimes it lasts for half a day.
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: It’s -
Trixie: It’s not good for you.
Katya: No it’s not right
Trixie: Part of it - it dehydrates your teeth a little bit. That’s why it hurts is because your teeth end up being like, more brittle. Wait a minute - wait a minute. Remember the book Brittle Women?
Katya: Brittle Women. Oh I love that.
Trixie: It’s just sisters who are like, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Don’t touch me! Ow!
Katya: Brittle.
Trixie: Brittle Women.
Katya: So. During seven years I did um a whole host of terribly unhealthy activities including smoking lots of meth, doing cocaine, um, all kinds of other -
Trixie: Candy?
Katya: Lots of candy, lot of sugary drinks and sodas. Uh one time I ate two full boxes of Fruity Pebbles in the same day. And -
Trixie: They’re fucking good. Cereal is good.
Katya: So good.
Trixie: I eat old people cereals.
Katya: Oh like -
Trixie: Cranberry granola almonds
Katya: Oh that’s great then. I came out of that greasy hellhole and I was like ok, I gotta go to the dentist. I have to go to the dentist. And I fully psyched myself up for, ok so when I go in there they’re gonna do the X-rays and they’re gonna say I have to remove all my teeth. I go in that fuckin place - not one fucking cavity.
Trixie: See I think it’s - part of it is genetics.
Katya: It’s all genetics!
Trixie: Because -
Katya: For me.
Trixie: Fuckin - my family, mama.
Katya: Fuckin your family?
Both: [Laughs]
Katya: That was your genetics, mama.
Trixie: And that’s genetics! It’s a little bit genetic cause like, my family - we need to have a sip of Coca-Cola. Teeth are gone, obesity, bum leg, diabetes, blindness, baldness, car crash
Katya: Erectile dysfunction, yeah.
Trixie: All of it. I was the poorest kid in a small town. And the dentist I went to I probably went once a year, and every time I would go they would give me a new filling or whatever. My brother never had a cavity.
Katya: Different dad?
Trixie: Same dad, as far as I know. I heard a rumor. There was this old woman. I used to wash dishes at a restaurant in high school, and this old woman - she was like a - she was very you, it was like -
Katya: So really sexy and effortless?
Trixie: And I was like well yeah, those are my half sisters, and my brother is my full brother. We have the same dad. And she goes, ‘is that what you think?’ Then she goes ‘come talk to me when you’re 18.’
Katya: Oh my God. What’s she gonna say? Is she gonna try to fuck you?
Trixie: I guess she knew the tea that I guess we had different dads. When you don’t have a dad either way I don’t care who fucked my mom.
Katya: Hello. That’s old news
Trixie: If you wanna fuck my mom that is none of my business.
Katya: No. Oh - I brought some [holds up bag of teeth] Get into that, open her up.
Trixie: Are these yours?
Katya: No.
Trixie: Are these from a fan?
Katya: Uh huh. Wisdom teeth, mama.
Trixie: You guys! Why are you giving us body parts?
Katya: No no no I would like them - please give them to me.
Trixie: Ohhhhhhhhhhhaughhhhhh! So this is a molar. If these are yours -
Katya: Wisdom teeth
Trixie: If this person gave you these, they probably like us enough that this is like a star moment for them.
Katya: I know, think about -
Trixie: Those my teeth! Those my babies! I don’t like it. Have you ever washed them?
Katya: Washed them? They’re teeth. What, am I gonna brush them? She asked me before. She was like, “I have my teeth. Would you - “ and I was like absolutely give them to me.
Trixie: Well listen, I wish I would’ve known you had those before I got these veneers because I could’ve just -
Katya: I know.
Trixie: I got veneers!
Katya: Let’s talk about your new teeth!
Trixie: I didn’t think anybody would notice. I did a show at the Hollywood Bowl and my dentist came, and I didn’t know she was there. And she was like, “I went there to see you and you were so amazing. I was so proud. Anyway I saw you, I watched you on tv and it’s time for veneers.” And I was there for a cleaning.
Katya: I liked your teeth.
Trixie: I did too. I was fine with them. I mean if you - roll back the tapes. My teeth were a little small so there were some little gaps, but it wasn’t rough. And I will say this - I brought in a slideshow of a lot of Drag Race girls saying ‘this is not the teeth I want’ because we have a lot of colleagues whose teeth are fucking blue.
Katya: They’re like - the high beams are always on.
Trixie: When they put these in and gave me a hand mirror, you would’ve thought I was getting a meth makeover on Tyra.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I was like [dramatic happy cries] oh! They asked me too - they were like, ‘well what color?’ and they were like, apparently -
Katya: What color??
Trixie: They were like, what color. I was like, mmm, I want Wisconsin white so LA brown.
Katya: Yeah. [laughs]
Trixie: People here are fuckin wild. Top and bottom chompers the size of God, just walking around looking -
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Crazy.
Katya: Just brown stretched skin and teeth.
Trixie: Look at this wig moving. Ho ho!
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Ho ho
Katya: It looks like you have a factory of elves in there
Trixie: What if I laughed like this [laughs while shaking wig]
Katya: You do. You do.
Trixie: Wait let me do it again [laughs]
Katya: Oh God! [laughs]
Trixie: [still laughing] Too much.
Katya: It is too much.
Trixie: Team too much.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Oop
Katya: Teeth. I love teeth. There was an art teacher in my high school and - I wish I had some kind of video or photo because whatever I’m gonna describe, you have to imagine way worse.
Trixie: Ok.
Katya: I’m talking puffy, enlarged gray gums. I’m talking slats of old attic wood, like, just jammed up in there all different angles. And a stench with a radius of at least 8-10 feet.
Trixie: No. I -
Katya: Yes. Absolutely.
Trixie: She sounds like a witch.
Katya: She was a monster. And -
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: We had all types of crazy, terrible names for her, like Mrs. you know, whatever, and then
Trixie: Mrs. You Know Whatever. That is cruel.
Katya: This woman couldn’t even close her mouth cause she had a fuckin dead body in there. That’s what it was like. It was like, I have to carry a dead body in my mouth wherever I go. Every day all the time. It was horrible. She was the nicest person ever. One day we came back to school, that whore had a brand new grill and it was like, you could see, like she glowed and beamed and radiated joy.
Trixie: It’s psychological
Katya: And it was like - Stella got her groove back. Incredible. Inspiring.
Trixie: And I will say this, like - no matter how often you go to the dentist, I’m sorry. I’ve gone to the dentist where I’ve flossed every day between cleanings and no matter what they’re like, ‘are you flossing?’ It’s like bitch, I am doing what I can!
Katya: Yeah. Do you - can you help me understand why all of the dental hygienists in the northeast came from the Third Reich in Germany? Every single dental hygienist I had was a mangler, a murderer, and a torturous fucking asshole. They were trying to get into my mouth and like, prove a point.
Trixie: I mean - if you want a good cleaning, go to someone homophobic. Get in there with that hook. Oh bitch - listen. Doctor anonymity beware I was in the chair once at my dentist next to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yes bitch! And it took my whole heart not to be like ‘what are you waiting for?’ Ok this is bad. One time, oh my God, I just moved to LA and I was hanging out with this guy and he pressured me into doing 1/4 of an Adderall and -
Katya: You were spun for two weeks.
Trixie: Fully. I went home with a go-go boy. I had a 3-way with a go-go boy.
Katya: How does this relate to teeth though?
Trixie: Things were dark. Oh - so I forgot I had a dentist appointment the next morning.
Katya: Oh.
Trixie: So I went to the dentist, and when you have stimulant drugs in your body anesthetics don’t work as well.
Katya: Well...
Trixie: Cause your body’s like, no I’m here I’m present
Katya: I’m ready to do it.
Trixie: So I remember I had to be like, uhhhh
Katya: So you could feel it?
Trixie: I had to be like, ummm, I experimented with uhhh drug uhh recreational drugs last night and so I’m not numb. And I was so embarrassed that I’ve never done a drug since. A fourth of an Adderall and mama, spun out.
Katya: It would take four Adderalls for me to feel anything.
Trixie: Really?
Katya: Yes. Wow, you are so sensitive. That’s incredible.
Trixie: I was so high.
Katya: Oh my God.
Trixie: Friendly and horny. So horny.
Katya: Oh yeah, sure. Clawing the curtains.
Trixie: And iI will say this, if you are a dentist you really are doing the Lord’s work. Bitch, get cleanings. I think they say twice a year.
Katya: Every six months.
Trixie: Four. I do four. But then again I do four because, y’know -
Katya: Brown chiclets.
Trixie: [laughs] brown chiclets.
Trixie: Well let me just take this time to do this. [gets very close to camera] wanna fuck me?
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: [lifts back of dress]
Katya: Ugh, no. That rancid shit can. My brown bread so sweet
Trixie: Go ahead and put a coin in my jukebox and see what song you get.
Katya: [laughs] Chubby Checker.
Trixie: Oh it’s chubby. And it’s a checkered past.
Transcribed by: C. J.