Ep. 112, Women in 2020
Trixie: I used to think that I wore too much makeup for bowl cuts and now I think I’m the only person who wears enough
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: You hate me on these days where I really feel it. You want me to be this stifled, flickering flame in a wet cave, but I’m bustin’ out, daddy. [bird noise laugh]
Katya: And also, um
Trixie: Now I want everybody to zoom in on this cup. Let me know what you see here [Points to starbucks cup label]
Katya: Tiffany?
Trixie: Tiffany.
Both: [laughs]
Trixie: Have you ever experimented with a grill?
Katya: Yes. Yeah
Trixie: What about a red metallic grill for you?
Katya: Not red. Gingivitis.
Trixie: Hi, I’m in my successful fifth season of a [something falls]
Katya: Auuhhhhh!
Trixie: Hi I’m Tiffany. Trixie Mattel
Katya: And my bathroom is bigger than the blue banana. Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Cause it’s our show
Trixie: And not yours. Season 5
Katya: Cinco. Cinque. Cinq.
[INTRO]
Katya: Auld Lang Syne. You know that one?
Both: [sing] May auld acquaintance be forgot
Katya: Keep your eye on the grand old flag. Yeah
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I remember being like a child and thinking like, 2020 seemed like a year that was, like, oh that’s forever - that’s flying cars
Katya: Yeah yeah yeah
Trixie: Mama that’s space aliens. And now that we’re here… nothing’s really changed. I mean my iPhone lives a little longer.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: And we have a worse political situation
Katya: Yeah the horror of living to see the future is that you realize all those things do come true but the reality of them is that they’re less shiny and more horrible. You know what I mean?
Trixie: Your phone - you can share your location
Katya: Yes
Trixie: Yeah now your fucking ex knows where to come kill you
Katya: Right, yeah. Stalking people is easier. Sure, I can fuck a hologram but I’m still feeling just as lonely
Trixie: I like to stalk people.
Katya: Do you?
Trixie: I have been off Facebook probably for 2 years
Katya: Uh huh
Trixie: Cause Facebook in my opinion, dead. Sorry Mark Zuckerberg. I saw him on a flight recently. He was not hot in person
Katya: He was not hot in digital land either
Trixie: You’re right.
Katya: I don’t like the ease with which you can stalk people. I miss the old days where you had to drive around their, you know, their household a few times a night. Stakeouts
Trixie: Hello
Katya: Stakeouts. Yeah, hi. I’m looking for, oh I’m sorry I’m in the wrong house
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: Yeah that kind of thing.
Trixie: What about the theater of, you know like, up the tree, binoculars,
Katya: Yes! Getting caught in the vines, Ohhhhhh! Yeah, yeah.
Trixie: I want the person to go -
Katya: Where’s the comedy?
Trixie: Then you fall out of the tree
Katya: Exactly. I wanna be up there for like, every night of the week, so I bring a thermos. I bring some magazines. And like I just - you know. It’s fun.
Trixie: A thermos!
Katya: Stalkers get hungry.
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Are you a resolution kind of girl?
Trixie: Yes, bitch
Katya: Oh like what?
Trixie: Every single year I have a new resolution.
Katya: Yeah. Do you deliver?
Trixie: Well I think two years ago was listen to my body. And then last year it was be warmer to people. Do you remember? Being warmer I think has sort of worked out. But I’m still [leans in] hello? Ya know. That’s kind of -
Katya: That was great.
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: I’ve transformed
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: But I’m just trying to, like, psychically, spiritually, fashionably branch out. That’s kind of my -
Katya: Oh yeah
Trixie: I want to try to up it
Katya: Up it astrally and then you can work down to the physical. Yeah yeah yeah
Trixie: Like my 2020 tour which is called Grown Up, which you can catch this year in the United States. I am really like, opening number - I’m like let’s do it. 5 costume changes
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: I wanna fuckin go there
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: I want people like Violet to be like, you know what, I thought you were garbage but you really are like doing something.
Katya: Yeah. Ok.
Trixie: I want the fashion queens to fuckin sweat. What do you want in 2020?
Katya: Nothing. I’m perfect, so I’m just gonna go, ya know. Keep the status quo rollin. Nothin to fix here. Uh, but I think like, it’s so exhausting kind of like having to confront everybody’s deficiencies day to day, so I’d like it if everybody were able to rise up a little bit so I didn’t have to be so tired.
Trixie: You think you’re tired because of other people?
Katya: [scream laughs]
Trixie: Perhaps it’s all the kicking. The unnecessary kicking.
Katya: [laughs] yeah
Katya: Oh no no no no no! [smacks Trixie’s arm] sorry. I want to gain 15 pounds.
Trixie: Muscle?
Katya: Of whatever, I don’t care. Lard. Tinfoil. Yeah
Trixie: You want to gain weight?
Katya: That’s a number thing, so that’s a really easy -
Trixie: You want to gain weight.
Katya: 15 pounds. I want to be 170
Trixie: Why?
Katya: Cause I’ll just feel
Trixie: Heavier?
Katya: Thicker
Trixie: We should start wearing ankle weights. That’s a total mom thing
Katya: I have cankles. They’re built in ankle weights
Trixie: Why don’t we ever just [kicks] unhh!
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Like we never do like [kicks]
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: Well, cause that [shows foot with boy sandal on]
Trixie: We got new chairs!
Katya: Oh wow.
Trixie: Five seasons for somebody to run down to HomeGoods to get me a new fuckin barstool. I don’t know if you guys have ever noticed but for a while we had the silver chairs which -
Katya: Yeah, rotten. We should have had rope swings.
Trixie: I want you to play the Nancy Sinatra version of You Only Live Twice while I get lowered into frame every episode
Katya: Or no that um, the theme from Beyond the - the Valley of the Dolls
Trixie: *Swedish accent* Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
Katya: Gotta get out of this - you know what I’m talking about?
Trixie: Why am I the only person who has not been sexually advanced upon by an Uber driver?
Katya: You have not??
Trixie: Not the way - I was talking to Monique Hart and she was like - she was like what kind of day are you having? He was like I’m a little tense, my shoulders are a little sore, wanna give them a little rub? Shit like that never happens to me. You know what I get?
Katya: Please don’t eat in my car sir. [laughs]
Trixie: Do you remember that?
Katya: Yes I do. [laughs]
Trixie: I’m in no wig. I’m eating a chip and she goes “Are you eating sir? Please don’t eat in my car sir” as she’s listening to Christian music.
Katya: Oh yeah, I had a Jesus jam in the Uber the other day.
Trixie: A Jesus jam
Katya: I um -
Trixie: Which is when Jesus is stuck in traffic
Katya: [laughs] I’ve jerked off in the car before. Not with any passengers in it, but like I don’t understand what the, like,
Trixie: [laughs]
Katya: What what what?
Trixie: Pull over Beverly
Katya: I have places to go. I can’t pull over
Trixie: [laughs] And I cannot arrive with a boner
Katya: No! Yeah
Trixie: It does not go with my look
Katya: Like, shit!
Trixie: Could you imagine in this little dress if I got a boner? It would be like
Katya: Totally concealed? No it would not be that big
Trixie: Yeah it would
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: You don’t know what I got [leans in to Katya] you don’t know what I got
Katya: [laughing] Aahhh! I’m not trying to know!
Trixie: You don’t know what I got
Katya: Ughhhhhhh
Trixie: You don’t know what I got and I cut it in half so there’s two of em
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Some of these drag race girls are fucking promiscuous and then you go to these cities and they’re like “Oh my god so-and-so hit on me” I’m like you and everyone else.
Katya: Yes
Trixie: You’re lucky you, ya know, woke up with both legs
Katya: Yeah seriously.
Trixie: Urban legend about stealing the kindney?
Katya: Drag Race?
Trixie: Kasha Davis.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: I’ve never been the same. I can only have clear liquid.
Katya: [laughs] ugh.
Trixie: And the dick was not that good [pause] I’ve never been with her.
Katya: What would happen if you fucked Kasha Davis?
Trixie: [bird noise laugh] [cut to old episode] “You know how Kasha Davis comes? *gasps* There’s always time for a cocktail!” Let’s be honest, she’s a very attractive older man.
Katya: Very. Quite fuckable, to be honest. And in very good shape. She’s got big fuckin guns on her arms.
Trixie: She’s sober now so her body’s like -
Katya: Virile
Trixie: Yes!
Katya: Probably a big cum shooter.
Trixie: Let’s do a mutual goal for this year. You think just like, take better care of yourself. Is that too general?
Katya: That’s way too general. I need like - ok, something like making my bed every morning. That would be something that you could do every single day and there’s no excuse not to do it. You know what I mean?
Trixie: I do it.
Katya: You make your bed every day?
Trixie: Yes
Katya: You do? That’s funny cause I saw your bed the other day when I was in your apartment and it was not made
Trixie: [fumbles on words] How dare you?
Katya: I’m just curious because -
Trixie: In my own home!
Katya: Well I just mean it’s funny -
Trixie: I invite you to my home and you come to scope out my chores?
Katya: Well I just observe and I notice things and then when you lie about them I bring them up.
Trixie: [laughs] Also 2020 Season 5 of this show. Can you believe it? We’ve done five - this will be the fifth season in 3 years, right?
Katya: And I think I just read that this is the most successful web series since the Internet, um -
Trixie: Started.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Nobody ever compliments me from Drag Race as much as they talk about this.
Katya: This saved my marriage.
Trixie: Although last night at Mickey’s some girl went “I thought you deserved to win.”
Katya: [laughs] I don’t think you’re an asshole!
Trixie: Thanks Beth. You ever cross dress alone in your room?
Katya: Yes.
Trixie: I just moved in alone by myself.
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You would be shocked the amount of time I spend in a wig at home by myself.
Katya: Ok, do you video tape yourself though?
Trixie: Blue eyeshadow and some bottom lashes
Katya: Bottom lashes?
Trixie: Yeah and a little top lash too. And I put on a little bowl cut and I put on a powder blue western shirt and I did a self polaroid photo shoot [laughs] Because why not? I’ve never lived alone and now that I do live alone -
Katya: You’ve never lived alone??
Trixie: Mama!
Katya: You better feel that fantasy!
Trixie: I’m nude playing electric guitar in front of windows that don’t have curtains.
Katya: Ok, I really love that. I lived across the street from a pregnant woman who was naked 24/7. And she was just doing every pregnant thing totally nude. I think it’s wonderful. No curtains, mama. No curtains.
Trixie: It’s supposed to make your skin and hair and nails better during that time.
Katya: It’s also supposed to completely wreck your body and your chances of dying from that are like, outrageously high.
Trixie: And you think anal is a walk in the park?
Katya: [laughs] No but I mean like -
Trixie: Well it is if you’re doing it in the park.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: People are gonna be so mad that it’s season 5 and this haircut is my first look.
Katya: Yeah. It does not bode well. It is an ominous portent.
Trixie: Anyway
Katya: 2020
Trixie: 2020.
Transcribed by: C. J.