Ep. 069, Reunions
[Flatline]
Sound: Clear!
[Heartbeat]
Trixie: Oh my God I just had the weirdest dream that we were on a hiatus from this show for months. Have you ever like had a pet runaway and find it or anything
Katya: I had a lizard that I burnt [laughs]
Trixie: [laughs] So in this case there will be no reunion?
Katya: [laughs] yeah. I’ll meet you in the great, here after. I’m distracted
Trixie: No girl you’re gonna get to hell, and that lizard is gonna be there charred like “Girl! I trusted you [Lizard Trixie noise]”
Katya: He’s gonna wiggle his way up my pussy
Trixie: Yeah-
Katya: Well he was already dead, he was already dead
Pete: How did you burn it? In the sun?
Katya: With fire
Pete: [laughs]
Trixie: How did you burn it? Wishful thinking what do you think?
Katya: I concentrated real hard. So what is the topic of this one?
Pete: Reunions!
Katya: Oh it’s reunion okay
Pete: mmh mmh
Trixie: So who would you wanna be reunited with?
Katya: Probably my dead dad, somewhere on a beach
Trixie: Okay, and we’re back!
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Hi I’m Grammy Award winning artist Snoop Dogg, Trixie Mattel!
Katya: And I’m a golden envelope filled with hot sweaty meat, Katya!
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: the show where we, once again, talk about whatever we want
Katya: cause it’s still our show
Trixie: and not yours
[INTRO]
Trixie: Uhm, listen, reunions come to us because you have an important relationship, and then there’s a break! And then you resume.
Katya: Yeah, maybe for legal reasons. Uh, The circle of life.
Trixie: Like when you die and you go to heaven, you meet everybody who died
Katya: Oh yeah! And they’re just waiting there [Prepares to beat someone up]
Trixie: Yeah, hey mom! Hey Britanny Murphy. You know.
Katya: Uhmm, what other kind of reunions are there?
Trixie: I’m not into reunions in general because most of the time, if I haven’t talked to you in a while, it’s because i don’t want to.
Katya: It’s for a reason yeah [laughs]
Trixie: Whenever I meet somebody like, uh, I have slept with, and then I like meet them with a friend, I will on the spot announce the lie and that person is following it now. “Oh this is my friend Stu, we went to college together!”
Katya: You just lied!
Trixie: And then suddenly the person’s like “Oh really what‘d you study?” and then it just, snowballs
Katya: It creates a, it creates a narrative
Trixie: And honestly, whatever narrative I make up is gonna be more interesting than an assorted tale of me Stu slammin our hotdogs together
Katya: Slammin your hotdogs together
Trixie: You know gay sex like
[claps hands, chaos ensues]
Trixie: Gay sex is like uh [slaps arms together]
Katya: Did you go to your high school reunion?
Trixie: i was supposed to, but I had to go do All Stars instead
Katya: Oh-
Trixie: But I was gonna go, I was gonna fully like chopper in. Kick down the doors to the 30 people I went to highschool with,
Katya: I made it!
Trixie: And meet everyone’s children. Be like “Hi. HI. Hi. Oh you have twins? I’m famous, have a good day”
Katya: And then punch them in the throat.
Trixie: And then instead I was gonna send an eight by ten with uh, champagne like “Couldn’t make it mmhm”
Katya: [laughs] You should’ve sent like a big floral arrangement, like at a funeral, with a picture inside.
Trixie: Like I was dead?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: Oh! Did you go to your high school reunion?
Katya: Heh- Ooh! I went in the parking lot.
Trixie: Well travelling was difficult back then, You had to get a carriage, you had to get horses
Katya: I had to get [incoherent] Three weeks' wagon journey. Wait do you know what your placement was?
Trixie: Like in the class?
Katya: Like- yeah!
Trixie: high, but not like valedictorian or anything.
Katya: I was 15 out of 160.
Trixie: Really?
Katya: Yeah.
Trixie: You’re really smart.
Katya: No.
Trixie: Ok.
Both: [starts laughing]
Trixie: Were you most likely anything?
Katya: Nope
Trixie: I think I was ‘Most Likely’- I think i was ‘Most Musically Talented’, and uhm I was, I think, ‘Most Likely to be Famous’
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: I was probably like “Most Likely to Cause -” [snorts] “Something Really Bad”
Trixie: And you did! When you see kids from highschool that have kids, do you feel pressured that like, “I’m noone”
Katya: No I feel the pressure to suffocate their children.
Trixie: Ok. And sometimes I hear kids from highschool like,
Katya: Do you want children?!
Trixie: Uhm
Katya: Do you want children?
Trixie: Na- I’m not gonna like kids as much as I like doing this. I’m gonna be annoyed. You know? “Hey it’s me. I can’t come to gate tonight cause I have a baby”
Katya: [wheeze laughter] I always pictured gay people, drag people to be like “You still have that kid? What are you do-” You know what I mean? Like
Trixie: “Is that still going on?”
Katya: Yeah like “why are you still doing that? I thought it’d be funny for a year or two”
Trixie: Oh i treat my, my friends who are parents and stuff, I treat them like they’re in bad relationships. Like “You need to get out of there. No, you deserve better than this. Get your CDs and leave!” Do you think people with kids, don’t you think they look at us for example and go “oh my god, they just put on wigs and go to restaurants and drink and”
Katya: Yeah little do they know, [old man voice] we’re rich!
Trixie: Rich!
Katya: Rich!
Trixie: Rich!
Katya: Fucking rich!
Trixie: I would’ve love to go to the reunion because, I have something to show.
Katya: What do you have? Receipts?
Trixie: I’m a successful homosexual.
Katya: Oh yeah yeah yeah,
Trixie: And so it would’ve been, equal parts side-eye for being a f*g- can we say f*g?
Pete: Yeah!
Katya: F*g!
Trixie: F*g! I can say f*g because I have a gay friend. I would be A, side eyed for “did you hear that f*g turned out to be a f*g” but also, I would be like “Yeah, and that f*g has a money printing machine called Tracy” I would’ve showed up with a, like the most annoying like, resume of like “here’s all the publications I’ve been in”
Katya: You just bring them
Trixie: Copies of my album like,
Katya: You set up a booth at the begin- right next to the bar.
Trixie: But I bet you I would go, and I would think that it would be this big splash, and nobody would remember my name.
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: And you know, but I would- Oh I have to tell you this, I always said too, if I went to my reunion I would have to try to suck some of those dicks but I didn’t have the courage!
Katya: That’s! That’s what I wanna do, that’s what I wanna do.
Trixie: I would have to be “Hey, I don’t know, I don’t know how drunk you are, and I don’t, but I need to tell you that I fantasized, I knew I was gay because you were in class with me”
Katya: Yeah “let’s see if we can get it hard, come on”
Trixie: “And if your wife doesn’t mind, I wanna pop the whitehead on the end of your dick with my, between my incisors”.
Katya: [leans away in shock]
Trixie: Yeah. I just wanna suck a dick.Do you- like I would go to the reunion like “Great! Great”
Katya: [imitating drooling]. I would pretend that I invented a sport but it hasn’t come out yet
[Brosports 2025, Katya eating shit in space]
Trixie: [snort] I would, I would pick a lie so like, insurmountable and fake like, “Oh that’s your son? Great, I wrote the Harry Potter book”
Katya: [laughs] Yeah
Trixie: I would go big.
Katya: “I’m also the CEO of Amazon”
Trixie: “So what have you done” and I’d be like “Oh, I’m James Corden”
Katya: [Laughs]
Trixie: Just flat out, say-
Katya: I’m David Letterman, I’m tired
Trixie: Not even like “I did something” say “I am someone”. I would wear a fu- I would wear a full Hollywood prosthetic level disguise like I’m one of the servers at the event.
Katya: Undercover.
Trixie: And I would be like, serving dinner rolls and be like “I thought you guys were talking about Brian Firkus, what did you think of him” then as soon as someone would be like “that guy was kinda weird” and I would be like [pulls off mask] Gotcha!
Katya: But, you would use too much adhesive and it tore your actual face off
Trixie: Yeah.
Katya: And you just have blood.
Trixie: I probably also wore a light-up sneaker, and a-
Katya: And a tampon in your ass
Trixie: [laughs] and it’s not blood, just shit water, it's just like wet shit.
Katya: [leaves chair]
Trixie: And I take it out and wring it. Do you know when you have diarrhea but you don’t have access to like a bedpan?
Katya: Yes I do! Yes I do! [sits down]
Trixie: I mean who has running water in Los Angeles? Okay? In this drought? Honey.
Katya: If I go to my reunion I would be like “I just turned 40 and I’ve shit the bed sober three times. That’s all you need to know!”
Trixie: Yes you have, yes you have. Anyway. I probably would have gotten drunk to be honest.
Katya: Yeah, everybody gets drunk, it’s on a Wednesday!
Trixie: A reunion?
Katya: Yeah, they’re always on Wednesday.
Trixie: High school reunions? Ours was on a Saturday.
Katya: No.
Trixie: Okay. Nevermind!
Katya: They’re always the night before Thanksgiving.
Trixie: Are they annual for you?
Katya: Huh I think I’m confused [wheeze laugh]
Trixie: Were there people you would have sex with from high school?
Katya: Uh, yeah, a handful, one’s dead. I still think about him
Trixie: So does that mean you’re still interested?
Katya: Oh I’m definitely interested, you would be moved up to number one. Yeah, they’re getting old though, I always forget how old I am.
Trixie: Yeah, I never forget how old you are. You’re actually coming up on your 20-year reunion.
Katya: [types in invisible calculator] Oh shit, I’m gonna go. I’ll get titties.
Trixie: [bird laugh] I guess, the tak- the takeaway is, uh, if you’re going to a reunion, make sure that when they meet you, they leave like “Wow that person-
Katya: Yeah, that got worse
Trixie: Not that they’re impressive, but that, they feel that you really like how you turned out to be.
Katya: Oh yeah.
Trixie: You know. If you have a large family that you created with your body and genitals, be like “I made this, I created lives”. I love the idea of going to a reunion, and have your mantra be “pull focus”. Steal a newborn- borrow a newborn! That is the way to pull focus, at a reunion, show up with a full baby.
Katya: A baby, and feed it pizza.
Trixie: As your class president’s being like “Welcome to the 10-reunion of the class of 2000-” I wanna stand up and be like ”I’m in labor! AHHHH” Or, and better, during the presidential address at the high school reunion, I wanna crash through the supper club, in my fucking Prius, rental. No! You know what? Better, a bo- a Bolt, a Chevy Bolt.
Katya: A Chevy Bolt?
Trixie: Yeah, the electric one.
Katya: Okay.
Trixie: And I would get out of the car with the- the charger and be like “Can I have a-” I would grab the c- at like in the middle of-
Katya: “I need an outlet! Now!”
Trixie: In the middle of dinner, I’d be like “Can I fucking plug this in honey”
Katya: “Also there’s a plastic bag of meat in here. I don’t want it! Does anybody want this meat?”
Trixie: [aggressive clapping] AHHH!
[OUTRO]
Trixie: I wanted to go at my reunion, I wanted to walk up to like, “Hey, you used to call me gay, number one, you’re right, number two, I monetize that”
Katya: Yeah, yeah, I would’ve been like-
Trixie: “So who’s laughing now”
Katya: Yeah, probably nobody
[Episode 70 Preview]
Transcribed by: Yuri's a flopiana