Ep. 004: "Dating" with Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova
Trixie: This is two in the pink, this is one in the stink
Trixie: [sighs] Why are we friends?
Katya: I don’t know!
Trixie: It’s like, I like nice hair, you like this
Katya: Lime green and hot pink work so well together. I look at myself and see beauty; I look beautiful.
Trixie: I mean I— I see that for you
Trixie: Hi, I’m— oh shit, sorry
Katya: Hi, I'm retired former on-, no, um. Hi, I am life-sized human person, Katya!
Trixie: And I put the “pal” in high school principal, Trixie Mattel
Katya: And this is…
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: It’s the show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: ‘Cuz it’s our show!
Both: And not yours
[Intro]
Katya: Dating. Romance factors into my life frequently and often
Trixie: And usually between the hours of 3 and 6 am
Katya: It’s 4 and 6, around that time the veil between this world and the next is thinnest. Basically, you can also fuck ghosts
Trixie: *Bird noises*
Katya: Frees you up, it--
Trixie: Lowers your standard
Katya: That’s what— that’s— yeah
Trixie: I love dating because I love the whole ritual of it, I like the showering, the douching, I wear my 300-dollar jeans, I love picking the restaurant, I love the drama of like, this could be the date
Katya: And the inevitable disappointment
Trixie: The inevitable disappointment
Katya: And it never works out
Trixie: when two hours in he makes fun of my accent and I leave
Katya: It’s like another chance to be somebody totally different
Trixie: Because lying to people is, like, fundamental. For example, I was out with a guy and he was like, “I don’t really drink,” and I was like, “Me neither. I’ve never drank, I don’t drink. Do you drink? I don’t”
Trixie: What do you wash down solid food with? And you just say rain?
Trixie: Yeah, rain. My own perspiration from my upper lip.
Katya: [laughs]
Trixie: Take that! Before I was a legend, icon and star, it was easier because liked me for me
Katya: Yeah, and not just because you’re like Sharon Stone
Trixie: Yeah, now not because I’m like the Rodney Dangerfield of drag.
Katya: Or— who was the one where he got in a car crash...
Trixie: Gilbert Gottfried
Katya: Yeah. No, who’s the one who just has no skin on his face?
Trixie: Detox
Katya: [wheeze laugh]
Trixie: [bird noises]
Trixie: Let’s say, uh, the ideal man were to walk in your life, where would he take you on a date?
Katya: Olive Garden
Trixie: I… I love Olive Garden!
Katya: I… I don't. No, I’m sor— I’m sorry, I don’t— I would actually prefer on the first date not to go to a restaurant because it gets cold, people start to stare because you’re not wearing any underwear.
Trixie: I’m done with the drama.
Katya: I’m over the drama, I'm over the bullshit
Trixie: I'm not here to make friends
Katya: Yeah, [laughs]. I don’t drink because I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict, and that just sets [snaps] the stage
Trixie: Okay, yeah
Katya: Am I right ladies?
Trixie: You know, relatable?
Katya: The first date, the second date, that’s the person at their best. So, I like to just go wayyy below that
Trixie: I used to go on dates, it’s like a diet version of myself. Like I would try to be a little more normal, but now I just go on full-blown, full tilt psycho.
Katya: Yeah, what are some deal breakers for you?
Trixie: Smoking. Only ‘cuz I'm not a smoker.
Katya: It’s disgusting.
Trixie: Well, when you don’t smoke, it’s a lot, yeah
Katya: Yeah, you can’t it’s a deal breaker, absolutely.
Trixie: I would prefer not to do something illegal because I don't wanna get in trouble
Katya: Yeah
Trixie: Like I watched ‘Breaking Bad’ and now I could never date a drug dealer
Katya: Or like a mafioso
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: I don’t have a type. Living or dead, listen, I’ve... I've seen ‘Ghost.’, and I’m into it. I’m the Oda Mae Brown of the dating world. You know?
Trixie: I’m the Oda Mae Brown of drag
Katya: Yeah, I'm gonna go show people I still got it
Trixie: [bird noises]
Katya: The only type I’m not s— like, super attracted to but open is people who look like me. Thin, blond, I don’t… unlike
Trixie: Pale
Katya: Pale
Trixie: Unfortunate
Katya: Sinewy
Katya: Vascular
Trixie: Smelly
Katya: Yeah. Textured, yeah
Trixie: Bumpy
Katya: You know. patches of thick, coarse, velcro-y hair, like, on the obliques
Trixie: Yeah, sagged. Yeah
Katya: A big ass is great. I love a big ass
Trixie: Yeah
Katya: A big, big, huge ass
Trixie: And if you’ll pay for my Uber… work with me
Katya: I’m just distracted
Trixie: By the brain coral that lives in your head now?
Katya: Oh, brain coral
Trixie: You know what you look like? You look like some of these really chic poodle... that got stuffed. Taxidermied.
Trixie: UNHhhh
Katya: [White girl voice]: I’m just a small, fancy dog-woman looking to get stuffed
Trixie: [laughs] Oh, god. Do you believe in people paying or not paying based on their sexual position?
Katya: What?!
Trixie: It’s like, I have a friend, who’s like, ‘I’m a bottom so I never pay”, and I was like, “You’re also never gonna get fucked, then. Because…”
Katya: [Gasp] Financial and sexual tops?
Trixie: ‘Cuz I like to feel like I’m paying. But then sometimes i like to feel like somebody else is paying
Katya: I mean...
Trixie: I would hate it to go one way, either way
Katya: If one person pays, then it’s kinda like, well, you’ll get it next time. He’s like, “girl, maybe there’s not a next time”
Trixie: [clicking noises]
Katya: I’ve had guys in the past who obviously [laughs] want this poodle fantasy all day long
Trixie: I could never, bitch. I’ve had times where I can’t even be physical with someone because I still have nail polish on
Katya: They insist on, uh, taking me out to a dinner. They’re fully aware that I don't pass as a woman and know people are gonna look and they’re comfortable with that
Trixie: And they want you to be in drag?
Katya: Yes, yes. Yes
Trixie: [stands up]
Katya: They wanna go to Davio’s in Downtown and like, yeah, like a fancy restaurant.
Trixie: They wanna go to like Texas Roadhouse
Katya: No [laughs]
Trixie: With you in a cigarette hairclip like [mimics a clown eating]
Katya: I have, I mean... This is, you know, this is more casual but I have some nice evening wear
Trixie: This is casual?
Trixie: What would you wear on a first date
Katya: Well, depends on where you're going
Trixie: Well most of my dates are at a meatpacking plant
Katya: [laughs] I like to go to the library
Trixie: I try not to drink too much on first date because, I find that it… it affects my perception of the date as a whole
Katya: Hmm
Trixie: And the next day I'm like “I met the one” and then I go on a date with them again and I’m like “Is this the fucking pig I sat with for three hours?”
Katya: If you don’t drink it’s tricky because then they go like they can’t drink. But on the other hand, if they do get a little drunk, then I get to sleep with them
Trixie: ‘Cuz you can move in, yeah
Katya: Then I get into their credit score, and then I can really make some magic happen
Trixie: One time I was out with a guy and ended up at the bar on his lap, straddling him and making out with him. In front of straight people, in front of God, on a Tuesday
Katya: [chuckles] okay
Trixie: And the next day, I was like, I fucking met my fucking husband
Katya: I’ve been on dates where
Trixie: Their wig fell off?
Katya: They— [laughs] no, that they went from like an 8 to like a 2
Trixie: Do you go in for a kiss at the end of a first date?
Katya: I— well, the last date I went on, which was so long ago…
Trixie: Yeah, when did you dad die?
Katya: [laughs] st— [hits lap]
[outro chord]
Katya: Uh, well that’s all we have today. Don’t forget to…
Trixie: To subscribe to WOWPresents!
Transcribed by: 12 Pounds of Real, Poundable Pussy