Ep. 003, "Traveling" w/ Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova
Trixie: Hi, I’m Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I’m Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Because it’s our show
Both: And not yours
[Intro]
Katya: Traveling, life on the road, how do you stay healthy when you travel so much?
Trixie: I don’t sleep, I drink a lot, and when you get an STD, don’t treat it until it’s absolutely serious. I used to wash myself too aggressively on the road getting out of drag every day, soap in my penis, got an infection, thought it was gonorrhea, it wasn’t, they just said ‘you have soap in your penis’, so then when I got gonorrhea, I had one interaction with a gentleman in Provincetown, Massachusetts. You’ve been -
Katya: Sure
Trixie: Gonorrhea, that fast
Both: UNHhhhhhhhh
Katya: Would you rather pee yourself a little bit all throughout the day, or --
Trixie: Done, stop there. I want that
Katya: Or, diarrhea shit yourself once a week
Trixie: Oh, shit myself once a week
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Yeah, because when I had gonorrhea the drip was such a heavy flow that I had to wear a paper towel like it was a Maxipad and it was irritating. But I felt real fish
Katya: You know --
Trixie: I felt so fish
Katya: I, In the summer --
Trixie: Before I go on stage, I have to change my rag. I bet you guys at home too - I would rather do one serious shit a week -- oh -- I’d rather deal with -- what? Lick my teeth
Katya: How about this scenario though? You’re getting a patdown at TSA and you diarrhea shit yourself during the patdown and you have to get on the plane
Trixie: Yeah but it’s not against the TSA laws to shit your pants, like, you can still get on the plane with a hot load in your pants
Katya: It’s not a legal issue
Trixie: Remember the days pre-TSA, I would just walk on, I would put my machete, my hockey mask in the overhead
Katya: Shit myself the whole time
Trixie: I put my gun on safety, walk on the plane like I’m Mr. Delta himself
Katya: Mr. Delta, Bob Delta
Trixie: Yeah, this isn’t necessarily travel related but you’re a sweaty woman
Katya: Yes
Trixie: Sweatiest woman in showbusiness
Katya: I feel like I’m always peeing myself a little bit
Trixie: Because of the sweat
Katya: The sweat, yeah
Trixie: I have a friend who lost his virginity using Gatorade as lubricant in the parking lot
Katya: I’m done
Trixie: But you know what though, I’m not a sex sexpert, I’m just a young man navigating the world. Why would you choose -- isn’t no Gatorade the same as Gatorade?
Katya: It is hydrating, it’s moisturizing
Trixie: And it helps you come down from the 3 Red Bulls I just watched you shotgun. You’re going to have a heart murmur
Katya: I already do
Trixie: You did 3 Red Bull and then styled this wig and that’s the absolute truth
Katya: Isn’t it pretty?
Trixie: Katya wears breast forms that are so heavy and so real, they're so heavy she has to carry them on because they put her suitcase over the limit
Katya: Yeah, I put them in my carry on and I sew them into a bra that gets so caked with sweat and makeup that it forms this foul smelling crust. They stink and I stopped apologizing. I don’t care
Trixie: I don’t care. If I was at TSA I’d be like ‘alright’. Something about planes and airports --
Katya: BONER CITY, BONER CITY
Trixie: You know why I wear fanny packs at the airport? Because I’m hiding --
Kayta: To cover that giant boner
Trixie: Giant, 3 inch --
Katya: HUGE
Trixie: Around, 1 inch long tunacan of skin. It’s the altitude changing and the plane and like the pressure in the body because it happens all the time
Katya: I’m hard deplaning
Trixie: Sunup to sundown
Katya: When we deplane, hard. And then, but, all the way through to the next connection I’m hard
Trixie: Completely
Katya: I had my first, full, vigorous, thorough, uh, search and seizure
Trixie: Bath. Your first full bath
Katya: With lots of soap and water. Soapy water. He went in, felt my penis, all around my buttocks. I got fully erect
Trixie: That’s sick. That never happens to me. I have one of those faces where people think I work for someone. Someone will confidently walk up to me and go -
Katya: ‘Do you have this in a 6?’
Trixie: ‘Do you have this in a size down?’ and I’m like ‘ugh, let me check’ and I look for them because I’m a good person
Katya: I was a notorious overpacker so now my system is, I pack everything like I want to and then I go in and take out all the boy clothes and just wear whatever I have on my body for the next 6, 7, 14 days
Trixie: I’ve worn pumps on the plane. Gym shorts, a t-shirt, probably a Trixie t-shirt, and white pumps
Kayta: Stop it
Trixie: These white pumps
Katya: Stop it
Trixie: I’m wearing these in the airport
Katya: Rule #1, stay in your lane and don’t be in denial about who you are in the airport. You know, if you’re in Zone 3 then --
Both: Just be Zone 3
Trixie: Don’t stand in the front like the plane’s going to leave without you. Well did you notice that, in other countries, they load the plane from the back forward
Katya: Which makes so much sense
Trixie: Which makes so much more sense
Katya: And then you sit in first class for 25 minutes just watching poor people shuffle by
Trixie: You know what the worst part is when you’re not flying first class and you see, like, a kid in first class? Whenever the kid is crying, I lean in and go, ‘listen, I’m not a parent myself, but I will kill your kid. I will piano wire your child until he’s dead’. Why is your 6 month old going to Germany?
Katya: No
Trixie: For what? He’s not gonna remember it
Katya: They doesn’t even speak German yet
Trixie: Before you leave the house, you give that mobile above the crib a spin and you come back 6 months later and your kid will be fine. He’ll be better for it
Katya: Toughen his skin up. Kids are so sensitive these days
Trixie: They’re so sensitive. ‘I’m hungry’
Katya: Yeah, ‘I don’t get any love’. Girl, please
Trixie: ‘When do I get to go home?’ Shhh, I am your home now. You live here now
Katya: ‘What does the sun look like?’ Oh, shut up
Trixie: People are like ‘what’s it like traveling?’ I’m like, ‘Well, my boyfriend left me, I never see my friends, and I only go home when someone dies’, but you know what? I wouldn’t change a single thing
Katya: Dude, we went from, you know what RuPaul’s Drag Race did, this is what I think about it now, we went from black and white to IMAX
Trixie: Oh, completely
Katya: We went from a silent movie, you know, and now it’s just like, fuckin’ Avatar
Trixie: I mean, I was like standing in a burger bar performing for $40 for 8 of my friends
Katya: Yeah. I was getting puked on by bachelorettes and then hanging out outside hoping I could catch a $40 car trick
Trixie: And you never did
Katya: No
Trixie: Can we talk about the taxi drivers when you’re traveling?
Katya: The rate of sexual harassment in a cab on the way home is --
Trixie: Is--
Katya: Is 60%
Trixie: All the time
Katya: I’ve had more than a couple of, um, cab drivers, when I go to give them the cash, they take my hand and they put it on their dick
Trixie: I’ve experienced that as well
Katya: Don’t forget to subscribe to
Both: WowPresents
Transcribed by: TranscriptUNHhhhs from the Serengeti